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Today, my boss admitted she's having an affair. She's married to my brother. FML

Today, I got hit on by an attractive young doctor. After talking for a while we realized that we recognized each other but couldn't figure out how. Then he remembered. He was the one who'd delivered my 10 1/2 lb baby 7 months ago. I stood out because my vag tore worse than anything he'd ever seen. FML

Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML

Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I'm at work. FML

Today, I accidentally hit my husband in the face. Not 2 minutes later, while laying in bed and trying to apologize, I accidentally kneed him in the balls. FML

Dig this

Today, frustrated with my very energetic kids, I told them that if they dug a hole deep enough in the backyard, they'd find China. What they really found was the previous owner's dog. FML

Today, a man tried to mug me. I actually apologized to him for not having my wallet on me. FML

Let's go girls

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

At least you tried, son

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform her, I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's office, I looked up at the news on the TV to see my husband's mugshot. FML

I just work here

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go on a date with me tomorrow. His reaction was to pick up a banana and pretend that he was in the middle of a phone call. FML

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

Maze

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

Today, at a baseball game, I smiled and waved at the little girl in front of me. She cried. FML

Today, I learnt the meaning of the phrase "ménage à trois". I had always thought it was synonymous with "fiasco" and have used it several times in essays. FML

Are you lost?

Today, while I was working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sold dildos. FML

Today, my dad remarried, but he didn't want me to come. I'm told he didn't want me to ruin his pictures or make his guests feel uncomfortable, all because I had my leg amputated in April. FML

Today, I told my daughter that we were going to the beach. Today, my daughter also tried to dig up our deceased dog, who we buried in our back yard last week, so he could come along. FML

Today, I was talking to a colleague about love. He told me he's given up on love because things ended badly with a previous girl. I said, "Maybe it wasn't meant to be, and she wasn't the one." He then said the reason it didn't work out was because she killed herself. FML

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

Today, the nine year old girl I was babysitting got the hiccups, so I told her to drink some water upside down to cure them. She ended up vomiting on the floor. FML

I did not see that coming

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month-old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

Today, a homeless man asked me for some change. Not having any cash, I gave him a gift card for the restaurant I work at. When I got home I realized I gave him my credit card. FML

Walk or shame

Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML

Plans fall through

Today, I found out that I won't be able to attend my own wedding, because I'll be in a mandatory training class that doesn't allow people to take vacation for any reason. So now we've wasted $10,000, and I can't even fly home for one day. All because I got promoted unexpectedly. FML

Today, I found my cat who's been missing for three days, sitting inside my neighbor's window. He won't answer the door. FML

Today, I spilled the bowl of cat food I'd just filled. I picked it all up in front of my cat, but he refused to eat any of it. I had to put the food back into the packet and fill the bowl all over again. My cat is a prince. FML