Mademoiselle 37 ans
Today, I travelled cross-country to interview for my dream job. The team seemed to love me and I had a lot of fun. In the airport on the way home I saw a news report that the company is closing. FML
Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML
Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swingers party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML
Today, I accidentally uploaded a video of me pleasing myself to my Snapchat story. Five people saw it before I could take it down. FML
Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML
Today, I had to make a Twitter account, because that is apparently the best way to get news from our new president. FML
Today, while out with my family, I happened to run into "the one who got away." She smilingly introduced herself to my wife, who definitely noticed that she and our daughter share the same name. FML
Today, I finally realized my sister-in-law tilts all the artwork on my walls every time she visits. Apparently, she's been doing this for years, just to drive me crazy. FML
Today, after a week of searching, I found my escaped snake. In my umbrella, outside, after opening it over my head. FML
Today, my wife of four years revealed to me that she once had sex with six men at once back in college. Apparently she still fantasizes about it when we have sex. FML
Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML
Today, I bought myself a pair of beautiful, hand-crafted earrings with lighthouses on them. My mother was quick to point out the lighthouses look like dicks. I don't think I can ever wear them again. FML
Today, I saw mice eating from my cat's food dish, again. Where is my cat? He's busy bringing in more mice, birds, and once even an unharmed chipmunk through his cat door. FML
Today, I told my coworkers that I was going on a date tonight so they would think I have a social life. One of them spotted me while I was eating alone at McDonalds. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML
Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML
Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML
Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML
Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status, saying, "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML
Today, my store manager told me I was fired. I'm not sure what's more insulting - that he'd fire me, or that he forgot I haven't worked there in four months. FML
Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML
Today, I went on a date for the first time since my divorce was finalized a year ago. The first question the guy asked me was what my favorite sex position is. FML
Today, my mom made a Facebook post about me starting my period and for everyone to be nice to me. FML
Today, my boss fired me after chewing me out for the horrible date he had with my mother. FML
Today, I actually uttered the words, "Those are my good sweatpants." FML
Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML
Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4 a.m. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML
Today, my husband suggested we get divorced, "for tax purposes". FML
Today, I accidentally ripped out my boyfriend's insulin pump while trying to give him a lapdance. FML
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