geminia

Today, I mistook a tree in my back yard as an intruder and called the police. FML

Close but no cigar

Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML

Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed to me in front of his whole family with the ring his mother had helped him pick out. Two hours later, I found emails of nudes from another women that had been sent to him a week prior, on his phone. Our flight for home leaves in a week. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has a Facebook account. He said he didn't have one. Apparently he's not divorced after all. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML

Today, after trying unsuccessfully for three or so years to have a baby with my wife, my broodiness has gotten so bad that when I saw a couple with their daughter at the bus stop, I briefly had a daydream where I shot them in the head and took their daughter home to raise as my own. FML

Today, my girlfriend let me stay over at her house for the first time. I went into her room only to find out she's obsessed with the Joker and has a bunch of posters and toys of him. I am deathly afraid of clowns. FML

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML

Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

Grossed out

Today, I recently burned both my hands at work so I had to ask my husband for help changing my tampon, but he refused saying it would make him feel sick. This from the man who routinely sticks his tongue in my asshole when we have sex. FML

Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

Today, my anxiety was escalating so I decided to try an anti-anxiety adult coloring book to calm myself down. Too bad I got more stressed out about which colors I should use. FML

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

Today, my pregnancy hormones were so bad, I broke down crying because my cat sat on my husband's lap instead of mine. FML

Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country I just moved to. Guess I don't speak the language as well as I thought. FML

Today, I realised what kind of man I married when I finally shelved his book, "Getting Things Done", still untouched 3 months after buying it. FML

Today, I found out that I don't have to work tomorrow. Normally I would be thrilled to hear this, but not from the 6 o'clock news, doing a piece on my work's rat infestation and indefinite shut down. FML

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

Today, I was at the gym. I'm 360 lbs and have finally decided it's time to change that. Some girl and her two bitch friends thought it'd be fun to follow me and belittle me at everything I did. When I mentioned it to the staff, they said that they were just "encouraging" me. FML

Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML

Today, my boss asked me if I needed to stand in the corner while I thought about what I did wrong. FML

Today, I have to attend a mandatory parenting class due to a false report filed against me with CPS. My son's school play is at the same time as today's class, and I'll have to miss it so I can learn how to be a "better mom". FML

Busting makes me feel good

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

Today, I was woken by the sound of music coming from my living room at 1:30 am. My cat had managed to turn on the stereo and turn the volume all the way up. Just as I fell asleep again, there was a knock at the door. The police showed up about a noise complaint. FML