geminia

Today, I got the most tear-jerking comment so far about my severe stutter. While I was talking to my neighbor, his little brother interrupted and asked me if I was possessed by a demon. FML

Today, a guy attacked me and tried to steal my bag. I tried to defend myself by biting him as hard as I could. I then woke up to my husband screaming in pain. FML

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML

Today, after 3 years of studying to be a veterinarian, I found out I may not be able to continue. It's not because I'm failing my classes, but because my body has developed an allergy to cats. FML

Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML

TMI

Today, it was my first day working as a pharmacist. I quickly discovered that customers not only think that it makes me qualified to offer free medical advice, but they also have no qualms about showing me their various lumps, bumps, and vaginal leakages. FML

Today, I sneezed so hard that I re-dislocated my shoulder. FML

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

Today, there was a big party at my workplace. The only person that was socializing with me in any way was my co-worker's 4-year-old daughter. Before leaving, she drew smiley faces on plastic plates and napkins and gave them to me so I "will have some friends and not be all alone." FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

Today, thanks to the terrible carpool planning of one of my friends, I had the pleasure of driving both of my ex-boyfriends to homecoming. Neither one of them knew that I had dated the other, but they sure do now. FML

Today, I found out my son told his teachers that I make his brother Tom sleep on the floor, make him stay out of the house for long periods of time, and don't let him use the toilet. Tom is actually our cat. FML

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a little over a week proposed to me. FML

Today, I was working out in the gym when a fitness trainer came up to me and said it wasn't safe to be exercising while this far along in a pregnancy. I was too ashamed to tell them that I'm not pregnant, so I went along with it. Time to find a new gym. FML

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

Close, but no cigar

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

Today, at work, I had a crease in my pants. Everyone thought I had a boner. Later in the day, when I actually had one, no one could tell. FML

Funny guy

Today, my husband broke his toe after tripping over one of our dog's toys. Instead of telling the doctors what actually happened, he said it was "sex related". I had to sit there, beet red with embarrassment, getting weird looks while he giggled to himself. FML

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

Today, I finally realized the toll working as a cashier 5 days a week during the holidays does to your psyche. I just said "Welcome To Walgreens", out of pure reflex, to my cat as she walked into my kitchen. FML

Today, my Dad came home with a $500 jacket that he'd bought himself for Christmas. I'd bought him the same one, and it's non refundable. FML

Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

Today, my boyfriend of three years asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I said yes. He said, 'But what happens if you never find a guy who likes you that much?' FML

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

Can't filter that

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

Today, I was told I'll need a hysterectomy. I'm barely 22. My doctor said "You probably wanted kids, huh? That's gonna be rough!" FML

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML