Monsieur Los Angeles, California Célibataire
Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML
Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML
Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML
Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML
Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML
Today, while working at Subway, I was about to take a guy's order. He quickly held up a hand and asked for someone else to make his sub, because he doesn't like "ugly people" touching his food. FML
Today, my friend asked if she could come over to my place. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I said sure. Turns out she just wanted to copy all my notes for our upcoming exam. FML
Today, my former high school bully became my manager. FML
Today, I was prank called yet again by someone asking for a game that was released over 10 years ago. The store I work at only sells modern titles, and I angrily slammed the phone down. My boss saw and fired me on the spot. FML
Today, when my husband asked me what the password to my new computer is, I told him it was the month and year of our marriage. He couldn't figure out the password. FML
Today, my mom was sharing the story of how I was born with the umbilical cord around my neck. My sister added that it was God's first attempt to kill me off. FML
Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, who has frequent night terrors, also sleepwalks. And apparently sleep-pisses on the bathroom rug. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to a public place before confessing that I've been seeing another woman, to avoid a dramatic scene. After being rushed to the hospital with a concussion and broken nose, I think it's safe to say my plan didn't go very well. FML
Today, my 16-year-old daughter burned all her baby photos because they were unflattering and made her "look fat". FML
Today, I tried to get my golden retriever to stand in front of our church for a very short time to illustrate the point of a sermon. When I brought my dog up, he mounted the pastor's leg and began humping him. FML
Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML
Today, after growing my hair out for over a year and constantly being told that it makes me look like a girl, I finally cut it. The first thing my friends said when they saw me was that I now look like a "lesbian." FML
Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he "can do so much better". FML
Today, I learned that my parrots now can shit horizontally when I found the wall next to the cage covered in feces. FML
Today, the guy I love asked me if hooking up counted as dating, because he thinks I'm "super hot," but he doesn't want "all the relationship shit." FML
Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML
Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML
Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap so I could comfort her. She quickly started laughing in embarrassment as she peed on my leg. FML
Today, while at the zoo, I found out that the rhinos there can pee backwards, while standing directly behind one. FML
Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML
Today, my sister, who knows I'm severely afraid of heights, got me tickets to skydive for my birthday. When I reminded her of my fear, she stated that she forgot and should just keep them for herself and her boyfriend. My mom agreed. FML
Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML
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