mjojo99

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

Today, my boss held my hair while I threw up. It's day two on the job. FML

Today, my wicked mother has been with us for a week. She's already thrown away my daughter's favorite toy, broke my computer, scratched my oak table, stained my most expensive shirt, peed in our bed, and called the attention of the cops by staring at kids in school. She's staying for three months. FML

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML

Welcome back!

Today, I realized my family is more excited to see my girlfriend than they are to see me. FML

Naughty boy

Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML