Mademoiselle
Today, I donated a dollar to a kids charity at Lowe's. The cashier handed me a star to sign my name, I signed it and gave it back to her. She looked at me with disgust and asked what was wrong with me. I had to pull out my license to prove to her that my name is really Michael Myers. FML
Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML
Today, I finally did my laundry after a good few weeks, only to think another washer was a dryer. I just ran my clothes through the wash 3 times, because I was confused as to why they weren't drying. FML
Today, I had to drive down to my parents' house. On they way down, I needed to fill up on gas but unfortunately I'd forgotten my wallet at home with all of my cash and credit cards. I then had to call triple A and explain to them in all seriousness how I ran out of gas at the gas station. FML
Today, for what has seemed to be the hundredth time, my labeled bagged lunch was stolen from the fridge at my workplace. I stormed into my boss's office ready to complain, only to find him eating it. FML
Today, while vacationing, a small boy asked to see the baby I was holding, wrapped in a blanket. I showed him, and his face reflexively scrunched up. The boy's mother came and apologized to me. Her face scrunched up too. FML
Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML
Today, I finally got to meet the new Director of my department. She was my intern eight years ago, the one I declined to recommend for a full time position due to interpersonal conflicts. She knows. FML
Today, I saw my cat licking something on the side of the road and went to check what it was. It was someone's old cigarette. I now know why she wants to be let out so often: She's addicted to nicotine. FML
Today, I was food shamed by my boyfriend in front of an entire restaurant and his parents because my meal cost more than his. His mom chimed in saying her meal usually costs more than his step dad's too and not to be upset. I'm 8 months pregnant, of course mine costs more. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law decided that she is going to be in charge of planning my wedding. All decisions must be approved by her, and anything she doesn't like will be thrown out. She also wants to go on our honeymoon with us to make sure I don't "defile" her son. FML
Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice since I was 13. FML
Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later, he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML
Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of my grandfather's funeral and my cousin started cracking up. It caused a chain reaction of laughter throughout all of the other cousins and my siblings. Now my aunts won't speak to any of us. FML
Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML
Today, I made fun of my friend when she tripped over the curb. I said, loudly, "Haha, you can't even walk." I then notice the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML
Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said, "Well, you could always ask me." I then said, "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was, "Nope… now that's 8!" FML
Today, I asked a boy I like to prom by writing all over his car. After nervously sitting by the phone all day, I decided to go out to get lunch. I found the word "No!" written all over my car. FML
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML
Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML
Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML
Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML
Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend's crazy ex, who let herself in with her old key. She screamed at me to get out of "her" bed, snatched "her" blanket off of my body, and finally dragged the bed itself out the door. I was still in it. FML
Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML
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