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Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML

Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

Been there, done that

Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe." FML

Today, I came across a picture of my grandpa taking a hit off a bong, while wearing nothing but a Playboy shirt. FML

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

Just a prank, son!

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh, apparently. FML

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML

Today, my boyfriend kept whining at me, asking why I wouldn't have sex with him, seemingly not caring that my parents were in the room. FML

Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML

Today, my parents had a long discussion on whether a cut on my arm looked like a vagina. FML

And they say romance is dead…

Today, my boyfriend of two years accidentally admitted to me that he settled for me because he doesn't think he can do any better. FML

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about his Miley Cyrus obsession. FML

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

Today, I put my boyfriend's t-shirt on and took sexy pictures with nothing else but panties. I then sent him the pictures. His reply was, "Can you wash that when you're done?" FML

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

Resting bitch face

Today, I had to explain to this really intimidating girl that I wasn't giving her a dirty look, and that it was just my face at rest. FML

Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML

Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

Today, I realized the $40 iPhone case I bought to keep my new phone from getting scratched, scratched my iPhone. FML

Relax

Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML