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Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I was hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then fainted. FML

WTF dude?

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming, "Sexy!" The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

Hot mess

Today, I sent in a fake story to a website that supports a yearly festival in my small town, thinking it would boost their spirits. It was how my boyfriend proposed to me at last year's festival. Now the local news station wants to do a story about it. FML

Today, my dad asked me if I'd started smoking, I gave him a big speech about how I never have and never will. Two hours later, he found my stash of cigarettes under my bed. FML

Today, I thought it would be sexy to surprise my boyfriend by hiding in the closet naked and pouncing on him as he came to get his pants. I never got to the pouncing. Apparently my boyfriend has heightened reflexes so instead I got slapped hard across the face. My ear is still ringing. FML

Gas giant

Today, while giving a lecture about gasses to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusually loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

Today, I was awakened by the sound of chain-saws. Moments later a tree branch came through my roof. FML

Backfire

Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost 6 years has put me in debt over $33,000. FML

Peachy keen

Today, my boyfriend is coming over. We haven't seen each other for a while so for a surprise, a few days ago, I decided to shave my pubic hair. I've come up in a huge rash that looks like some sort of infection. Not quite the sexy surprise I was hoping for. FML

Sorry!

Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited, until I saw they were from a friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML

Today, I fainted on the sidewalk. When I woke up, I was still lying on the sidewalk, people were stepping over me and my purse was gone. FML

Today, I learned that the excessive groin sweating I've been trying to deal with for weeks isn't groin sweating. It's a slow and steady stream of urine that I have no control over. FML

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

Today, I got a new cat. I tried to reenact the opening scene from Lion King, where in Simba gets held up for everyone to see. The fan was on when I lifted my cat up. FML

Today, I was talking to a friend of mine over webcam, when I saw a scary looking man in a grey hoodie creeping around in the background. I loudly proclaimed "Paige! Who is that creepy looking guy behind you?" Turns out it was her mom. She heard everything. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a letter, turns out it was the wrong address. My panties are now somewhere in Canadian post. FML

Today, I realized why my 50 year old Dad's 30 something girlfriend looked so familiar. She is in all my parents wedding photos... as the flower girl. FML

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted, "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

RIP Dave Prowse

Today, I crossed a one-way street after looking for oncoming traffic, only to be hit by a car driving in reverse. FML

ESPN Love

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

How could you?

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

Today, I caught my dad spanking my mom with a spatula. The same spatula I use to cook my eggs every morning. FML