espressoncream

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

Stitched up

Today, I was woken up by the police pounding on my door, saying I was under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs, then plant them on my front lawn. FML

Gross

Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML

Today, I got a phone call from a friend, who lives in the same neighbourhood as me, wondering if it was my father she saw walking a dog by her house, wearing only his boxers. It was. FML

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML

Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

Catfished

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

Ugly truth

Today, my six year-old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said, "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

Morning commute

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML

Classic

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was, "Does she know?" FML

Dad jokes

Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said, "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML

Today, I found out my dad stole money from me when he was arrested for buying Oxycodone from an undercover cop. FML

Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

Helicopter parents

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

Today, my husband put some photos of our wedding on Facebook. He named the album "FML". FML

Social anxiety wins again

Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I turned down the first guy to ask me out in 3 months. FML

Ouch

Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML

Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. In an ambulance. On the way to the hospital after being T-boned at an intersection. FML

Fun

Today, my boyfriend came to a family barbecue. I guess my dad heard him talking about the "fun" we'd be having later, because over the next two hours, he tripped my boyfriend up on concrete, threw a beer can at him, and sprayed him full-force with a water hose. All "accidentally" of course. FML

Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed the cashier a condom instead of my $20. FML

Today, I watched as my dad noticed a spider on the ceiling. Instead of getting a shoe, he pulled out a 9mm and shot it. I'm not sure if this is an epic win or a sign that my family is crazy. FML

Today, I discovered I'd left my coffee on top of my car when it fell through the sun roof whilst I was driving, showering me. FML

Today, I asked my teenage daughter to read off directions from my iPhone while I drove. She went on Instagram instead. We missed the turn by 32 miles. FML

Peckish

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML