Monsieur Pasir Ris, Singapore 29 ans Célibataire
Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML
Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML
Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML
Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML
Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML
Today, I watched my neighbor bring his dogs into my yard to let them empty their piss-pipes and poop-chutes. He does this twice a day. I put a "cut it out" sign up. His dogs peed on the sign and knocked it down. My lawn is a landmine of dog logs and I don't know what to do, besides installing actual landmines. FML
Today, I went to the House of Horrors at Universal Studios. People dressed up as monsters would jump at us, and I was so freaked out that I tripped. My equally terrified mom fell on top of me. Frankenstein's monster was nice enough to ask us if we were alright. FML
Today, I went to the emergency room for busting my lip open, I had to lie and tell them I slipped and fell. In reality I was singing with the soap bottle and slammed it into my lip. FML
Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML
Today, I discovered that there is nothing wrong with our snowblower. I live in Alaska and for the last 10 years I have been shoveling our long steep driveway because I thought the snowblower was broken. Reality? My mother has "never been able to get it out of the shed." FML
Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML
Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML
Today, my dad took me to the 'Super Butcher'. It's basically a warehouse turned into a giant, walk-in meat freezer, complete with headless pig carcasses. I'm a vegetarian. FML
Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML
Today, I ran full speed into a brick wall because I saw a tiger. On the other side of a zoo cage. FML
Today, it's Christmas Day. Normally, my family would be opening gifts right now. Instead, my mom is holding our gifts hostage until we clean the house. Apparently, "The presents aren't going anywhere." FML
Today, I'm supposed to start my new job as a Crime Scene Tech. Instead, I managed to electrocute myself with my hairdryer. I'll now have to attempt to explain to them that I really am qualified to safely operate an electrostatic lifting device, and other expensive equipment. FML
Today, my dad made a new house rule: "If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down." My whole house now smells like piss. FML
Today, I installed an alarm app on my phone. Turns out, to unlock the phone and get the ringing to stop, I have to answer a maths question. It took me ten minutes to get it right. FML
Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML
Today, I twisted my ankle during a round of golf, after trying to do a fancy jumping high five. FML
Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML
Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML
Today, I slammed my middle finger in a drawer. I screamed and my mom came running into the kitchen. She asked me what was wrong, so without thinking I stuck up my middle finger. She hasn't spoken to me since this morning. FML
Today, I discovered I'd left my coffee on top of my car when it fell through the sun roof whilst I was driving, showering me. FML
Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML
Today, I discovered that when a cyclist tears down the street, slaps you across the face as he passes, looks back laughing and flips you off, then crashes into a lamppost, he'll still blame you and threaten to sue, even after you rush over to check his injuries. FML
Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML
Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML
Today, my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase being dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate, "Who raised you to be such a pig?" Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question. FML
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