Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML
Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML
Today, several coworkers think the operation scar on my wrist is really a failed suicide attempt, because I study design and apparently, "Artists are suicidal, right?" FML
Today, I've been in Bali for 12 days. We have done nothing but sit around because my whole family is sick, and they won't let me do anything because it's supposed to be a "family vacation". FML
Today, I decided to hang my $200 cocktail dress outside for faster drying after hand washing it. I learned that it dries much faster when torn into several pieces, courtesy a stray dog that randomly appeared at my house. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were at his parents' house when things started getting hot. Out of respect, we stopped and just cuddled, making us able to hear his parents banging. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML
Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML
Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML
Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML
Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML
Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML
Today, I walked in on my grandma playing with herself. Every time I close my eyes, I see things that no mortal was ever meant to see. FML
Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML
Today, despite having a stomach bug, I went into work, as my boss is overseas and had warned me not to take any sick leave until she returned. After 4 hours and vomiting twice, I left. She found out and sent me an email bitching me out for coming in sick. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML
Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML
Today, I noticed my shower drain wasn't draining well. I cleaned it out, thinking it was just a rat's nest of hair. Wrong. It was an actual dead rat. FML
Today, I finally got my 14-year-old son to aim while using the bathroom. If only I could get my husband to do the same. FML
Today, after waking up in a panic because I was running late for work again, I realized I was fired for that exact reason the day before. FML
Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML
Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML
Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML
Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML
Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to fart next to my brother in the car. Apparently, his carsickness is exacerbated by strong smells. I now know what it feels like to have lap full of vomit. FML
Today, I emotionally confessed my feelings to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat myself several times. He ended up saying no. FML
Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML
Today, my fiancée called off our wedding at the last moment, because her neurotic sister thinks she's "too fat" to be the maid of honor, and says she needs several months to lose weight. So that's a few thousand dollars wasted. My fiancée says I'm "overreacting" and that I "just don't get it". FML
Today, I stood up in front of the class and dropped my pen. As I bent over to pick it up, a boy in the front row loudly broke wind. I will forever be known as "that teacher who farted". FML
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