ScissorTeeth

Cover me

Today, I was called in to work on my day off to cover for a co-worker because she was busy getting it on with my brother. FML

Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML

Today, like any other day I moan after I sneeze. The only issue is that today my husband was on the phone with his grandmother, and had to explain to her, while trying not to laugh, that he wasn't having sex with me while on the phone. FML

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

Today, my daughter asked me to take her to Victoria's Secret so I could buy her some "sexy clothes". She's 9. FML

Today, I started my first training day using an MRI machine and completely forgot to remove my nipple piercings before I went in. I've never experienced a pain so vile and lingering in my life. FML

Today, while playing hockey, one of my teammates decided to swing her hockey stick like a golf club. She missed the ball, but managed to hit me right in the vagina. FML

Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice since I was 13. FML

Today, I gave a presentation for my final on class. While I was giving the speech my shirt strap broke. I ended up flashing everyone including the teacher. At least I got an A. FML

Today, due to a new tattoo, I can't wear a bra for the next few days. My coworker knows about it and thought it would be funny to blast the air-con all day. I swear I could have used my nipples to type this, instead of my fingers. FML

Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML

The price of sin

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

Today, I caught my "best friend" on my laptop, copying my girlfriend's nudes onto his flash drive. FML

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmother's items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

Today, my best friend since first grade, who I've been in love with for years and finally hooked up with last week, asked me for advice. He wanted to know if he should start a long distance relationship with a girl he hooked up with last night. FML

Today, I was on a first date at a bar, when a girl walks over and ask me if I'm a doctor. I said yes, thinking she overheard me talking about my PhD. The girl then showed me a lump on her breast and asked what to do about it. My date then slapped me and left. FML

Out in the wild

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mix it up and find a good place outdoors to have fun. After an hour of climbing up a rocky mountainside to a completely isolated clearing, out of the way of any hiking path, he was still so paranoid that he finished within 20 seconds. FML

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

Today, the pizza delivery guy saw me in my underwear. My boyfriend is so ashamed of me that he pointed out to the guy twice that we were just roommates. FML

Today, my flatmate came home from a date with the same guy that I have been in love with since high school. As I type, can hear them having sex through our paper thin walls. FML

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

Experiment!

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

Today, I lost my virginity. It was painful, but not as painful as my boyfriend asking afterwards: "Um... did you use to be a guy?" FML

Today, while making love, my girlfriend accidentally kicked me in the face when changing positions. She then got mad at me when I went soft due to the pain. FML

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

Today, I was babysitting my young cousins who are obsessed with Narnia. So to appease them, we checked every closet in the house. We never did find Narnia, but we did find sex toys. Lots of them. FML