Mademoiselle Célibataire
Today, I got a notice on my apartment door that I'd received a package when no one was home, and it was left at the backdoor. I don't have a backdoor. FML
Today, I got fired from my job because my boss thinks that me doing everything he says makes me untrustworthy. FML
Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML
Today, someone tried to break into my dorm room while I was in class. Ramming the metal door with their shoulder just dented it, so they pissed on my welcome mat and left. FML
Today, at a candlelit dinner, I accidentally set my dad's leg on fire. FML
Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered, "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML
Today, my brother admitted that he decides whether he will date a girl or not based on the number of likes she gets on her selfies. We share the same blood. FML
Today, I finally met my long-distance boyfriend of three years for the first time in person. After an amazing dinner and movie date, we went back to his house, only for him to dump me half an hour later. Not because I wouldn't have sex with him. No, his cat doesn't like me. FML
Today, I spent an hour in a snowstorm waiting for my bus to show up. After I got fed up, I decided to just clean off my car and drive to work. After I was halfway finished swiping off the snow and ice stuck to my car, the bus drove right past me. FML
Today, my scumbag landlady broke into my place and stole my mop, which I refused to give her earlier. She denied everything and tried to convince me that some criminal broke in using a key, stole only my mop, and was nice enough to lock up on the way out. FML
Today, one of my friends posted on Facebook saying if you're held up at an ATM, putting your PIN in backwards will alert the cops. I pointed out it's an urban legend, and asked how it'd work if their PIN was the same backwards. He drove over and beat the crap out of me. FML
Today, my father was playing with my son and his toy animals. He picked one up and said, "What is this? Some kind of African horse?" It was a zebra. FML
Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML
Today, my sister and I got stuck in an airport elevator. We were separated from our friends, missed our flight and had to walk two hours to find our gate. On the bright side, we ended up having a pleasant talk with an Air Marshal on why we were "stalking people". FML
Today, the dry skin on my feet has gotten so bad that my boyfriend uses my feet to itch his legs when we're cuddling. FML
Today, I was sitting at my computer, petting one of my cats, who was sitting on my lap. My other cat got jealous and tried to climb onto my lap as well. They ended up fighting. I was wearing shorts. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she's afraid of my ex-wife. This is the third one in a row to use that very reason. The judge still won't accept my pleas for a restraining order. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend was on a dating website. He came up as an ideal match for my sister. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought a new toaster. It not only pops up the bread when done, it also beeps loudly. It makes me scream in terror every single time. My boyfriend has now vowed to "Toast 'til the end of time." It's going to be a long year. FML
Today, after paying a job coach a load of money for his services, pretty much the only advice he gave me was "Send out more résumés." FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML
Today, I refused to serve a woman alcohol, as she looked underage. She complained to my manager about "age racism." FML
Today, I returned a rental car and almost got charged extra for the "funky and rotten" smell in the car. I blamed it on a sausage roll, not having the heart to tell the woman it was my fart from a minute before. FML
Today, I have bad adult acne. This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's only on one side of my face. I look like a Batman villain. FML
Today, at the train station a woman's baggage had gotten stuck in the ticket barriers, so I used my ticket to unlock the barriers for her but told her to wait so I could get through too. She didn't wait. And I got painfully stuck in the barriers whilst I watched my train go by. FML
Today, my nutjob girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my best friend, just because she's a woman. Before she left, my now-ex decided to punish me by destroying the dissertation I've spent months working on, along with both backups of it. FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML
Today, I had lunch with my parents. I'm an Asian guy who married a Puerto Rican woman and we just had a boy. My dad looks at my son, then looks at me and says, "You ruined the bloodline." FML
Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML
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