lilpaz

Today, I came home to find my 25 year old boyfriend laughing hysterically at his laptop while he made Microsoft Sam say "feces", "penis", and "diarrhea". FML

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML

Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Facebook. I don't even have Facebook. My friends had to tell me. FML

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

Festive spirit

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML

Today, at Arby's, there were two cute guys behind me in line. Right before ordering, my dad said loudly "Go get the calorie sheet. You need to lose more weight before you think about going after those guys." FML

Ugly truth

Today, my six year-old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said, "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

Today, my parents held an intervention for me. Apparently they think I'm turning into a goth. All because they saw me re-lacing my shoes with black shoelaces instead of white ones. FML

Troubling

Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML

Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

Today, I got a ride in a friend's car. As I sat down, her younger brother started laughing hysterically from the backseat. In between giggles, he admitted he peed there a few minutes ago. FML

Today, as I got to my first class seat on an airplane, I saw the person I'd be sitting next to wafting the smell of her vagina towards herself and breathing in deeply. It's an eight hour flight. FML

Today, an attractive guy told me he wanted to get to know me and see me again. When I told my boyfriend, in hopes of stirring up some jealousy, he said "he'll regret it when he finds out what you're like in bed, trust me." FML

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

Check 'em

Today, I saw my first boobs ever, at 18, volunteering at a retirement home. FML

Today, I found out that my mother in-law's flight home is canceled, and that she's staying three more days. FML

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

Today, I went to the toilet during drama class, not because I had to actually go, but because I wanted to play Monopoly on my iPod. I lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later. My whole class listened while I was forced to tell my teacher I'd been really constipated. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, feeling melancholic, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML