relsayshi

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

Another one?

Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML

Are you experienced?

Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML

Today, as a romantic gesture, my boyfriend gifted me an origami vagina. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I was almost perfect. And the only reason I'm not completely perfect is because I don't like Mountain Dew. FML

Weird guy

Today, my boss grabbed my arm, raised it above my head, closed my other hand into a fist, and pushed it into his armpit. After staring at me for several seconds, he winked and left without saying a word. This isn't the weirdest thing he's done, and I'm actually starting to fear for my safety. FML

Today, my waiter turned to me and asked, "Let me guess, Miss I'm-not-fat-I'm-fluffy wants a Diet Coke?" FML

Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML

Peckish

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

You OK, hun?

Today, I was pooping at a local Target when I heard someone say, "You need to eat more solids, you're pooping like a rabbit." FML

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

Today, I'm apparently so desperate for companionship that my body has subconsciously synced my period with the girl who works in the cubicle adjacent to mine. FML

Today, I went for my follow-up appointment with my surgeon. He walked into the room and said, "I thought you died." FML

Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML

Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML

Long held grudge

Today, I found out why the girl I like won't give me the time of day. Apparently, I called her ugly and pushed her into a puddle when we were in kindergarten. FML

No kinkshaming here

Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML

Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML

Today, I asked a girl out. She replied, "Sorry, I'm suddenly a lesbian." FML

Today, I saw on my 17-year-old daughter's floor her "To-Do" list. What was #1? Jump in front of a moving vehicle, in hopes that Edward Cullen will use his vampire speed to save her. FML

Today, as an introduction to the history of China, I asked my APA World History class to write a 500 word essay on a historical Chinese person. Out of a class of 18, five of them were about Mulan. FML

Today, my boyfriend learned how to somersault. He now thinks that he's a ninja and somersaults into every room. FML

Protip

Today, I found out that my mom gives my brother tips on how to hurt my feelings the most. FML

Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

Today, I contemplated the ratio of cats I have to friends I have. I need more friends. FML

Priorities

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML