relsayshi

Today, I was called into my 17-year-old son's high school. Why? Because it was Wednesday, also known as "Hump Day" and his friends managed to convince him that you're supposed to go around and hump people. FML

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

Don't call the cops

Today, I went on a walk. I like to crush acorns as I go. One nut was actually a piece of dog poop. FML

You gotta learn

Today, I sang the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" song with a class of thirty 20-somethings because we're going to be kindergarten teachers. She made us do the hand motions too. FML

Bad idea

Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

Today, I fell down the stairs twice. I fell from the top, stopped in the middle, stood up, stepped down one more step, tripped, and fell down the rest of the stairs. FML

Today, I was walking my son to school. After yelling at him for not looking where he's walking, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me. Not paying attention, I walked him right into a light pole. FML

Encouragement

Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said, "Yeah, horizontally." FML

Today, I complimented my mom with "Hey, I think you lost some weight." She replied with "Yeah, I think you found it." FML

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

Panic attack

Today, I went to donate blood for the first time. When they stuck the needle in my arm, I had a panic attack and begged that they take it out. The woman helping me told me she'd take it out in a moment and left. It was then that the Red Cross stole a pint of my blood while I had a panic attack. FML

Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream, "Don't take me, take my children!" FML

Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML

Today, my brother replaced my cologne with whiskey. I have a job interview and I smell like a drunk. FML

Whodunnit

Today, my cellphone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself. Obviously it wasn't stolen by any of those people. FML

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

Today, I found out that some men think it's OK to clip their fingernails at the table, in a restaurant, on a first date. FML

Today, I walked into Old Navy to buy myself a pair of jingle jammies. Save yourself the embarrassment: don't shake the jammies in the middle of the store to hear the jingling, because these jammies do not jingle. You'll just look like an idiot. FML

Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML

Today, I managed to fall face-first into a used condom. FML

Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial." FML

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML