Monsieur Somewhere something Washington, 'Merica. 38 ans Célibataire
Today, I discovered that if you heckle a mime, it's possible that the mime will actually kick your ass. FML
Today, while reading "1984" on the train, a cute guy around my age and I got into a great a discussion about the book. Just when I thought he might ask for my number, he got up, patted me on the head and said it's so nice that kids my age still took interest in real literature. I'm 25. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML
Today, my daughter mentioned that she didn't need to work because she could convert a dollar to 13 Mexican pesos and convert it back into "13 USD", over and over again. She's 17. FML
Today, I learned that when you're talking about your girlfriend's 6'4", 250 lb dad in a negative way, you should really make sure he isn't around first. FML
Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me via Twitter. FML
Today, as I was waiting in line at the check out, some guy came up behind me, plucked a hair out of my head, and ran off with it. FML
Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML
Today, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me if I don't satisfy his "needs." By "needs", he means me wearing a diaper during foreplay. FML
Today, my dad finally added me on Facebook, When I looked through his photos, I quickly noticed he'd heavily photoshopped the photos I'm in to make me look prettier. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She bitched me out for not getting the ring she had been "hinting" me to get, and angrily left. FML
Today, I was counselling a soon-to-be teen mom. She has a younger step-brother, and when I asked her how she handled him when he cries, she said, "Oh, that's when you cover their face until they stop!" FML
Today, I got in trouble for shooting my paintball gun at a piece of wood, so my dad told me to go wash it. While I was washing it, he shot me several times in the back, yelling, "That's payback for being born." FML
Today, my father told me to "go get a job." He has been unemployed for three years. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML
Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML
Today, in the middle of a boring class, my friend offered me some Smarties. We're not allowed to eat in class, but I had a couple anyway. As I put them in my mouth, my "friend" stood up and yelled that I was doing ecstasy. I might actually get expelled. FML
Today, it was the fourth time I've had major dental work done, because my dentist messed up my root canal. After almost a dozen needles, three missed work days, over $1,000, and 2 broken tools, I only have a tiny, barely-successful filling to show for it. FML
Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML
Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML
Today, a cop car was tailing me. I was scared, and trying to avoid any tickets, I drove straight through a huge pothole rather than swerving to avoid it. The cop pulled me over and insisted I was intoxicated, because, "anybody in their right mind would've dodged that pothole." FML
Today, my supervisor was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. It was his wife. FML
Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML
Today, it took a whole half hour of scratching my head before I realized with horror that the weird tickling sensation I'd been feeling was actually a spider crawling around in my hair. FML
Today, I slipped on a wet floor at the supermarket and busted my nose. It wouldn't be as embarrassing if I hadn't missed the "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign that I'd put there myself just 30 minutes earlier. FML
Today, a girl said to me, "Sorry, but I have a boyfriend". I hadn't said anything to her. FML
Today, my co-worker threw a rubber mallet at my face, and I broke my finger in the process of saving my face. She then told me to "take it up with HR, bitch". She's the HR manager. FML
Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML
Today, I was selling winter-themed cookies at my university. I cheerfully asked a girl if she would like to buy cookies to support peer tutoring. Her response? "I don't eat food." FML
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