franniedottp

Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML

Today, I was over at a friend's house for a party. I was trying to strike up a conversation with one of my cute guy friends, so I showed him this funny picture of me that my friend took. His reply was "Hahahaa those Fatbooth pictures are hilarious!" It wasn't a Fatbooth picture. FML

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

Today, I scored the winning goal in my soccer tournament. For the other team. FML

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

Today, it's my 21st birthday. My parents' gift was a case of non-alcoholic beer, to "prepare" me for when I "turn 21." My parents can't even remember how old I am. FML

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

Today, my dad was putting seasoning salt into his mashed potatoes, when the lid came off and poured a ton of salt into the pot. My parents hate wasting food, so we still had to eat it. I think my taste buds are broken. FML

How do I put it?

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML

Red scare

Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML

Today, I carpooled with my co-worker whose girlfriend has left him. The radio was playing the song "Jar of Hearts." He then began to sing intensely, and broke down crying. FML

Today, as a support worker, I spent 45 minutes making various attempts to calm a violent autistic kid. Just as soon as I was sure the crisis was over, he beat me as hard as he could with the "Things I Can Do When I'm Mad" book I'd given him. FML

Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

Today, I drove 45 min from my college to surprise my girlfriend with roses after she got off work. She responded by taking the roses, dumping them in her back seat, and speeding off because she couldn't miss Survivor. FML

Where am I?

Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML

Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADHD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

Turned on

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I said something grammatically wrong during it. He chose to correct it. FML

Today, I started a new medication, not paying much notice to the one side effect: "unusual vaginal secretions". They're unusual alright, they glued my underwear to my skin. FML

Assumptions

Today, at school, I was crying because someone I knew had died. My teacher pulled me aside and said, "I understand you're socially awkward, but don't worry, it gets better." FML

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

Communication breakdown

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

Today, I was given a bottle of vitamins that are supposed to help your memory. I forgot them at home. FML

Up it goes

Today, my doctor booked me in for an STI test. I was feeling confident until he explained it will involve having a catheter inserted into my piss pipe. He shook his head sadly and said, "Gonna be honest Steve, the pain's beyond belief." Great. FML

The hypocrisy burns

Today, I was sitting in my school's crowded auditorium. When our single, abstinence-only ballsack of a Sex Ed teacher was announced to be stepping down due to being pregnant, I burst into uncontrollable laughter. My reward was aching sides and a week of detention. FML