kushalkaria

Today, I told my girlfriend I loved her. She left and never came back. FML

I'M ALSO HERE

Today, my relatives won't acknowledge my existence unless I'm posting a picture of my cat. They only talk about the cat. FML

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

Today, while I was working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML

Today, after hours of organizing and spending around $300 for my three-year-old's birthday party, I realized I forgot to send out the invitations. FML

Today, my boyfriend moved out and took all his things with him. He also took some things that didn't belong to him, namely my rent money. My landlord comes tomorrow. FML

Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

Today, after working all week on a group project, I realized I forgot to submit the assignment and missed the deadline. I now have to tell my group that we automatically failed. FML

Today, I met my brother's girlfriend. We got talking, and we got onto the subject of tattoos. I said how much I hated tramp stamps, and how they make girls look trashy. She said, "Like this?" and showed me hers. FML

Never ever

Today, my mother was scolding my youngest sister for having unprotected sex with yet another partner. She continued with, "Why can't you be like your brother and just never have sex?" I'm 22, and she's not wrong. FML

Dogfished

Today, I took my 13 year-old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

Today, after doing vigorous chores all day with my girlfriend, her mom came and paid us each $100. My girlfriend cried and threw a fit because she said they were her chores, so she deserves all the money. FML

Today, my husband and I went for our 20 week scan and found out we're having a girl. The first thing he said to me was, "The next one better be a boy or I'm leaving you". FML

Weird simile but OK

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

Today, I was quizzing a girl at my college, and I noticed that when she answered a question, her ears wiggled. It was cute, so I pointed it out. She burst into tears, and the guy next to me said, "Way to make her feel insecure, douchebag." FML

Limited edition prank

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

How very dare you?

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

Today, a drunken customer blindsided me after I told him I would not be giving him a free drink after I watched him put his own hair in it. FML

Vocab test

Today, I was mentioning to a coworker how there was a huge lull today in business. A young coworker then turned to me and sead in a snooty tone, "I think you mean a 'lol', it's pronounced L-O-L." FML

Big whoops

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML

Today, my husband got mad at me for not helping take out the groceries from the car. He yelled that I'm lazy, and that he regrets our marriage. I guess he forgot that the door handle on that side is broken and he had to let me out of the car. FML

Today, after making several comments about how I didn't exactly look thin, my boyfriend said, "Well, at least we know you'll look good pregnant." FML

TMI

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

Today, I got a concussion. It was when an entire shelf of bicycle helmets tumbled onto my skull. FML

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

Today, the day before I'm supposed to leave for a long-anticipated trip to Europe, my mother admitted that she's never paid for it. She only told me she did so I would stop hinting that I wanted to go. I gave up Christmas for this trip. FML

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML