Today, I was asked to order a new lockable cash tin for work. When my boss returned to ask which one I'd selected, I said, "An 8-inch black one". Her giggle said it all. FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend talking with my father in the backyard. I thought he was asking for my hand in marriage. He was actually telling him about his plans to break up with me. FML
Today, my dog got so excited about a new toy that she vomited all over it. I had to clean up the vomit, throw away the toy, and now have a very sad dog. FML
Today, I got back home from work and casually asked my dad, "What's up?" He casually replied, "Wishing I'd had a son instead." and stared glassy-eyed at me until I left the room. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML
Today, I asked my 12-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "A whore." FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, only for her to slap me, throwing the "fake ring" away and storming off, convinced it was a cruel joke. FML
Today, I found out my parents are divorcing and my mom is moving out. I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Breaking the news should be fun. FML
Today, the day before my wife and I leave for our 1 year anniversary trip, I realized my passport expires in 2014, not 2015. Instead of a week's stay at an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic, we'll be spending three days in Louisville. Three angry days in Louisville. FML
Today, I'm sick with the worst head cold of my life. For some reason whenever I cough, I also fart. Everyone thinks I'm just trying to cover up flatulence with fake coughing. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to be dominant during sex. It was so out of character for him, I couldn't help but break into hysterical laughter. FML
Today, I got yelled, screamed, and cursed at by a customer until I was reduced to tears. This was all because I double-checked to make sure she wanted large fries. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. When I happily told my dad, he kept asking if I'd consider taking back my ex. FML
Today, while shopping, a lady came up to me and asked if she could borrow my baby because, "Y'know, I'm in a hurry and they'll let me checkout first." FML
Today, my father picked me up from the police academy I'm attending, and got caught speeding. The officer was my drill instructor, and I had to do push-ups on the side of the highway. FML
Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me if I don't satisfy his "needs." By "needs", he means me wearing a diaper during foreplay. FML
Today, one of the patients on the mental health unit where I work looked me up and down and said, "Well, I guess it's a popular misconception that all fat people are jolly." FML
Today, my teacher "busted" me for writing down answers on my arm for a test. The so called "answers" was just a duck my little nephew had drawn on my hand the night before. She's actually trying to get me suspended over it. FML
Today, while bringing boxes up from the basement, I noticed a few spider egg sacs had stuck to my shirt. As I desperately tried to remove them, they hatched. FML
Today, I got on the bus to go to work. I managed to get a seat, but an old lady who looked tired had to stand. I offered her my seat, but she glared at me, frowned and said, "Go fuck yourself." Everyone laughed as I sat there in dismay. FML
Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML
Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explainable stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML
Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML
Today, I found out one of my girlfriend's recent Google searches was, "Should I admit to cheating or just dump him?" FML
Today, I noticed that I get more calls from people who've dialed the wrong number than I do from people I actually know. FML
Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me via Facebook chat. When I asked her why, she replied, "You know why." and blocked me. No, I don't know. FML
Today, I realized that at 20 years old I already have noticeable wrinkles around my eyes. But to balance it out, my chronic acne keeps me looking youthful. FML
Today, while lying in bed cuddling with my cat after getting stood up, I found out that even 80-year-old Charles Manson is engaged to be married. FML
Today, my wife and I decided to try out role playing. She ended up having an anxiety attack when I said she wasn't turning in her homework. FML
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