wackadoodle103

Boozehound

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

Home improvement

Today, my son sprayed our white couch with Febreze. This would have been great, were the "Febreze" not actually black spray paint. FML

Brain melt

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

Welcome to the neighborhood

Today, the couple with three noisy toddlers in the apartment above mine finally moved out. A couple with a non-stop crying newborn moved in. FML

Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML

Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML

Today, a little girl looked at me and yelled "Mommy look, there's a real leprechaun!" FML

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

Today, my daughter decided to wake me up by putting the vacuum in my hair and turning it on. FML

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out that she thinks she is the Chosen One. FML

Keeping up appearances

Today, my seven-year-old told me to lose weight. Her reason? There's a family fun day coming up at her school and she is embarrassed. FML

Today, despite the fact that I'm really sick, my mom insisted that I come home and help babysit my cousins this weekend. When I got there, everyone else took off to do "errands," leaving me with three hyperactive, howler monkey-like children to deal with. FML

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

Today, I took off the training wheels of my niece's bike. I tried to show her how to ride it, but she told me to get off because I needed a "fat girl's bike." FML

Toilet training

Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

Ironic, isn't it?

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

You did ask…

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew. He told me he learned about fire safety, so I asked him what he'd do if there were a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML

The Omen

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML