Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML
Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML
Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML
Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I'd thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML
Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML
Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend had been encouraging me to send him 'personal' videos was so he could sell them online to porn websites. FML
Today, when my boyfriend said it was time to play with his baby, I figured he was talking about me. He meant his Xbox. FML
Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML
Today, I found out how painful it is when your ceiling fan falls on you. FML
Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML
Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML
Today, a lady came into my workplace to pay her $120 bill in one dollar bills. I kept losing count. FML
Today, I realized my girlfriend thinks that the goal of sex is to get it over with as quickly as possible. FML
Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML
Today, I was introducing my American cousin to the peaceful English village I live in. Just as I was reassuring her that the people were very friendly and welcoming, a car drove past and pelted us with eggs. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 years said she was leaving me because recently I wasn't making much money, and was playing too many video games. I recently got a raise at my job of 5 years. The job? Testing video games. FML
Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML
Today, as I was walking home from school with my guy friends, my dad pulled up by the sidewalk, offered me a handful of dollar bills and said, "Get in, baby." Only after we drove away and he started laughing did I realize I'll probably never hear the end of this at school. FML
Today, my boyfriend got drunk and tried to french-kiss my dog. Now he has 12 stitches in his face, and he's insisting we have to get my dog put down. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML
Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML
Today, I tried to politely explain to my mother that I'm allergic to her laundry soap. She just called me crazy. I have been scratching for three days straight and my skin is almost all red. She refuses to buy anything else. FML
Today, my immature step-father rubbed my head, destroying the $300 hairdo that took two and a half hours to finish. Three minutes before my wedding ceremony. FML
Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML
Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML
Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML
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