Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML
Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML
Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML
Today, I was trying out for my school's athletics team. As I reached the finish line for the 100m sprint, there was so much momentum I couldn't stop. I ended up running into a wall. FML
Today, I found myself crying for an hour when my recreated crush on The Sims 3 game rejected my character and ran off with someone else. FML
Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML
Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML
Today, I came to terms with the fact that my boss owns my soul for the bare minimum wage, and has me so whipped that he probably will for the rest of eternity, or until his ancient, withered, necromantic ass dies. FML
Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML
Today, while riding the bus, a creepy guy gave me the "rape glare" and another guy repeated every word to the conversation I was having with my friend under his breath. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML
Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML
Today, I was badly sunburnt even after making it a point to apply a lot of sunscreen. My coworkers thought it amusing to slap me every chance they get. FML
Today, at school, I was scheduled to give a presentation to my class. As I arrived, my teacher said to me, "You're bleeding from the 120th pimple on your left cheek." FML
Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML
Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML
Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML
Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML
Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML
Today, my boyfriend cuffed my legs to the bed. After the sex we discovered one of the cuffs wouldn't open. After an hour of trying to pry them open, I had to waddle with him to the fire station to have them removed in front of 4 amused firefighters. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML
Today, I had an unbearable itch on my foot that I could not make go away with my nails, so I grabbed the stapler in my drawer to scratch it with. Bad idea. FML
Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML
Today, I figured out how serious my weight problem really is when my boyfriend had to lift a fat roll before he could enter me. FML
Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It would have been a lot sexier had our chihuahua not decided to rim his ass as he thrust into me, causing him to break out into a case of the giggles. FML
Today, while trying to take my Christmas tree down, I learned that at some point during the last few weeks, it became home to a colony of green ants. I'm now covered in bites and terrified to go anywhere near it. FML
Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML
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