mominzed

Today, I found a note on the front door of my flat saying, "You left your keys in your garage door so I put them in your letter box". Guess where my letter box key is. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave me a gift. A half-used bottle of body lotion that belonged to his dead wife. FML

Today, I got kicked off the train because I refused to stand for an old lady who wanted to sit down. There was an empty seat right next to me. FML

Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed. My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house. FML

Today, I was online looking up ways to lose weight, get thinner and be healthier, all the while eating a slab of brownie that was half the size of my head. FML

Today, I went to my gyn to see what a painful lump is under my armpit. Turns out it's breast tissue, and yes, it will fill up with milk when I'm pregnant. I essentially have three boobs. FML

Today, my parents came to my house for my birthday. My mom backed her car into my motorcycle, knocking it over. She said because it was my birthday I could pay for the damages to her car later. FML

Today, I went to the DMV for my second attempt to get my license. I did everything perfectly, stayed at the speed limit, did my three-point turn flawlessly, and parked nicely. The lady failed me because I wasn't using the stick shift right. My car doesn't have a stick shift. FML

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

Today, it was my first day at school in the United States. Being from France, my French accent is really strong. After being made fun of all day, I met someone from Montreal. I was so excited and said, "Parlez-vous Français?" And his response? "HUH?!" FML

Today, my sister told me that she read that the pain of giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking 20 bones at once. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. FML

Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML

Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

Today, I finally told my crush that I like her. She said she could never date me, because apparently, "My best friend likes you." Her best friend is my step-sister. FML

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

Today, my daughter-in-law revealed to me that she caught my husband having an affair with her best friend. This was five years ago, and she is only telling me now because he stopped paying her the blackmail money to keep her mouth shut. FML

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

Today, my friends and I ran through a flock of resting seagulls. The birds took to the skies and chased after us, covering us in shit. FML

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

Today, I tried to stop a teenage boy from entering the woman's bathroom. When he argued with me I had him thrown out. Turns out, according to their parents and driver's license, it was a girl. FML

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

Haunted by you

Today, my ex, whom I haven't seen in two years, contacted me. She was great company back in the day, wild in bed, the most attractive person I've ever dated, and totally uninterested in a serious relationship. She wants me to fix her computer. FML

Today, I had a violent allergic reaction to some bread I ate at a restaurant. How did they apologize? By sending me a free basket of bread. FML

Today, my mom made me teach my delusional gran web browsing. I barely made it to YouTube before she sneered at me, and told me to "stop pissing about before I smash your face in." Two hours and multiple slaps later, she still doesn't get what a URL is, and I fear for my life. FML

Today, I realize that my boyfriend's breath quite literally smells like a sewer. It wouldn't be so bad, except that he tries to kiss me about every ten minutes, and I have to hold my breath. FML

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML