26 ans
Today, my little brother walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex and threatened to tell my parents. I paid him $30 to keep quiet. 15 minutes later he told them. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first handjob. I was nervous, so when she went to do it, I panicked and yelled, "Firmly grasp it!" She then couldn't stop laughing because it was a line from SpongeBob. FML
Today, I found myself wondering if my sister's jaw makes the same clicking sound when she's giving head as it does when she's eating food. FML
Today, like every other day at work, I had to listen to people talk about being addicted to sex. I have to treat people for addiction to something I've never even had. FML
Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML
Today, my mother kindly brought me some soup as was recovering from having my tonsils out. Spicy Mexican bean soup. Yep, very spicy. FML
Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML
Today, I saw a little old lady trying to cross the street. I went over and tried to help her. Turned out she was actually just a really short young woman. As soon as I took her arm, she screamed in front of everyone and accused me of trying to molest her. FML
Today, my boyfriend's dad called me a whore and said I'm trying to use his son and "steal" his virginity for my own needs. My boyfriend has had sex with over 10 girls and I'm a virgin. FML
Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML
Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML
Today, I found out the pet name my girlfriend gave my penis wasn't randomly made up after all; it's her ex's name. FML
Today, at Walmart, a crazy old woman bitched me out for being pregnant. She kept following me around, calling me a stupid teen slut and saying she hoped my baby died so I could live a "normal life." I'm 26 and just very short. FML
Today, my sister got her retouched wedding photos. Apparently one of the things she had the professional do was edit me out of them. FML
Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't take long. She said, "I know." FML
Today, a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire with a match at the bus stop. FML
Today, I made a joke that my boyfriend was going to end up sending me into premature labor. Later, I went into labor for real. My boyfriend thought I was faking and refused to take me to the hospital. FML
Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. The guy who picked up sounded drunk, told me to fuck off, and hung up. FML
Today, I found out why I receive random drug tests at work. The safety department was specifically told by my boss to check up on me because I always seem way too cheerful to not be high. I've passed every single test. FML
Today, I witnessed my husband in the shower singing Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" to his penis while manscaping. I guess that's a bond we'll never have. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that her fear of PDA has gotten so bad, she doesn't think she'll even be able to kiss me on our wedding day. Her parents are going be there and she can't imagine showing affection in front of other people, let alone her parents. FML
Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML
Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML
Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML
Today, a police car hit my parked vehicle, likely due to icy road conditions. When the officer came over to talk to me, I assumed it was to give me his insurance information. Nope. It was to give me a ticket for "impeding a police officer." My car was in my driveway. FML
Today, I received a bunch of flowers from my 'lover'. This would be fine, except that I don't have a lover, and my boyfriend now thinks I'm cheating. FML
Today, after 3 hours of sleep, I had to rush to my grandmother's house because she fell and couldn't get up. An embarrassed, half-naked old lady, a very wet rug, an ambulance and a trip to the hospital later, and she still refuses to use her cane and walker. I hope I'm not this stubborn when I'm old. FML
Today, while talking with my ex, I mentioned I was depressed about turning 40. He said he'd been depressed about turning 40 as well, until he started screwing hot 20-somethings. We were still together when he turned 40. FML
Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML
Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML
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