Holytechno

Neighbors from hell

Today, after a few months of my neighbor's friend parking outside his house and honking until he came outside, I happened to be out doing lawn work. I politely screamed, "STOP HONKING YOUR F***ING HORN!" To which they responded by moving in front of MY house and holding down their horn. I hate people. FML

Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML

Today, l was crouched on the ground in the doorway at a haunted mansion. It's part of my job here to scare the people passing by. A 12 year-old girl walked by, I grabbed her leg, and she kicked me in the face. FML

Today, I realized I've been playing too much Call of Duty. I started screaming, "Spawn, bitch! Spawn!" at my microwavable pizza while it was in the microwave. FML

Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML

Let's get loud

Today, my parents asked me if I had a nice time with my girlfriend at the amusement park I took her to yesterday. She was pretty freaked out by some of the rides so without thinking I said, "Yeah, but she sure is a screamer." My parents then exchange a look and say, "Oh trust us, we know." FML

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

Catfished

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape, his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't in class. I was sitting next to him. FML

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

Today, I was waiting for the bus while wearing my FML shirt. A passer-by stopped, stared at me for a moment, and said, "I agree, your life sucks." FML

Smoke break

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I had my headphones in and was blasting my music. It was also cold so I had my hood up. I had my back turned to the house and wasn't paying attention. My brother thought I was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete. FML

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML

Hefty

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

Glassed

Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML

Today, it's my birthday. The present I received from my best friend was the exact same necklace which I gave to her for her birthday two months ago. It had been unwrapped and re-wrapped in the same paper. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML