Ezlo_fml

Mr Heckles

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

Today, a woman yelled at me for hurting her. I'm a tattoo artist. FML

Today, I had to convince my parents to shut the door when they have sex. They have done this on multiple occasions. FML

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

Today, after months of all my friends telling me that the guy whom I was in love with most definitely held feelings for me, I was finally convinced by their words, and with confidence I went and confessed my feelings to him. I was rejected. FML

Today, I learned the hard way what the inside of my toe looks like. FML

Today, my girlfriend wasn't kidding when she said that if I hit her cervix just the 'right' way during sex, she'd puke. I was on the bottom. FML

Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML

Today, I requested a pay rise at work. They said they couldn't do it as they have to cut costs, so I resigned. They've now re-advertised my job for more money than I asked for. FML

Today, it was an extremely hot day so I hit up the beach for a swim. Just as I entered the water, the first wave approached me. I tried to jump it and lost my footing, managing to dislocate my hip. I had to be dragged from the water by the lifeguards. FML

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition that makes me lactate. I'm a 6' tattooed guy with a boxing competition coming up soon. I'm never going to hear the end of this. FML

Freaky

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I was there with the lights out when something ran across my foot. I freaked out, tried to kick it off, and ended up smashing my foot into the side of the tub. FML

Great news!

Today, I started a new job. After being trained on several obscure computer programs I'm expected to use in just one day, my new boss informed me she's going on a week long vacation starting tomorrow. She's the only other person who knows how this program runs. FML

Wanker

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

Today, my whack job of a father told my 8-year-old son that his cat deserves a bullet to the head for being so damn stupid. FML

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

Today, I finally scrounged up enough change to do laundry, so I loaded up my car, swung by the bank to take out my rent money, and stopped at a gas station to get a drink. When I came outside, my car was gone, along with all my clothes and rent money. FML

Today, I had the most uncomfortable feeling in my socks, but I didn't care to check. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that the feeling was a small thin piece of glass that was slowly cutting away at the bottom of my foot. I still don't know how it got there. FML

Thin blue line

Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML

Compassion

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral, I was told to "man up". FML

Today, I'm so broke, I walked into a nursing home and pretended to be a gentleman's son just so I could get some free food "for him". FML

Dream baby dream

Today, I rushed over to stop my infant daughter from falling off her swing. Luckily just before she hit the ground, I woke up. Unfortunately, I woke up because I'd rolled off my bed and hit the floor. FML

No excuses

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for not showing up to work yesterday. It seems going into anaphylactic shock isn't a valid excuse. FML

Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML

Today, when I went to see my therapist, she handed me a tube of tooth paste and said, "Please use it". FML

Today, I realized I wasn't getting notifications for my voicemail, so I decided to check it and found out that I had 3 job offerings that are no longer an option. FML

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

Today, I confronted my husband about a pair of panties I found in his office. They're his. He put them on to show me that they fit. FML

Nice

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML