Mademoiselle
Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML
Today, my girlfriend wasn't kidding when she said that if I hit her cervix just the 'right' way during sex, she'd puke. I was on the bottom. FML
Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML
Today, I was so sleep deprived that while making instant oatmeal, I poured the oats into the garbage and put the empty packet in a bowl, then microwaved it for 2 minutes. FML
Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML
Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML
Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML
Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated. We were having a lot of fun until I decided I wanted to be on top. He instantly got soft. FML
Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML
Today, daylight savings is on the way. Two years ago, I planned to propose right before the time change, all to have an extra hour of "the best day of my life". Now I have an extra hour to remember how distinctly single I still am and how awful she was. FML
Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML
Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML
Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML
Today, I woke up with a pimple on my eyelid. Not only is it impossible to cover up with makeup, I can't pop it either. Now I'll be spending the rest of the day trying not to blink. FML
Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML
Today, I came home to find a mouse in the garage. Frantic, I killed it. My 7-year-old son came home from soccer, and started crying because he couldn't find the class pet, Mr. Whiskers. I killed my son's class pet. FML
Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML
Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML
Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML
Today, while I was having sex, he stopped, looked at me all seriously and said, "Permission to climax, ma'am?" FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML
Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML
Today, I found out that my home-made pasta sauce had a weird taste to it because my basil patch in the backyard has become my dog's preferred spot to pee. FML
Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML
Today, my dad opened a Chinese fortune cookie that read, "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." Now he won't stop calling me Experience. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom. When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." FML
Today, I met my new class. There are two Kevin Smiths. Neither will agree to a nickname, they have the same hair color, and their middle names both start with J. They have told me to call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2. They both want to be Kevin 1. FML
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