bridgeb202

Good morning to you too

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered, "Slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

Today, my dad texted me while I was in school saying, "Your cat vomited. Covered it up with a bowl so you can clean it when you come home." FML

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

Good news!

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed by painting his chest with "marry me?" and an arrow going down. The ring was attached to his penis with a string. FML

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

Heavy

Today, I walked in on my flatmate squatting over the bathroom scales, completely naked. When I asked what he was doing, he replied very seriously, "Weighing my testicles… you should try it sometime, if they're too heavy you may have cancer." I'm a girl. FML

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML