snackerattacker

Today, I got banned from a suicide prevention forum for "attention seeking." FML

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

Put those away

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

Awkward much?

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with, "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML

Awkward

Today, I realised just how much my favourite pornstar looks like my sister. FML

Today, while babysitting my nephew, I was looking through a bin of toys, and I saw a fake spider. I picked it up to do a prank with. It wasn't fake. FML

Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML

Today, I told my friend I was considering adopting a dog. She looked at me like I was Satan and went on a rant about how dogs are "born evil" and will always maul someone given the chance. I still have the marks from when one of her psycho cats sliced open my arm last month. FML