Today, the elevator in my apartment building broke down. I live on the 30th floor and am still climbing the stairs. FML
Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML
Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML
Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML
Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML
Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML
Today, my daughter turned 18. She decided to use this day to tell me everywhere her and her boyfriends have had sex in my house to get revenge for being overprotective. FML
Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML
Today, I bought a car. After just ten minutes, my hub caps had been stolen. FML
Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML
Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML
Today, a customer had an allergic reaction to the almonds in the sundae I made for her. We're supposed to put the almonds on unless the customer asks otherwise. She complained to my boss that I'd poisoned her. FML
Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot be denied". I was denied. FML
Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML
Today, I was released from hospital after being in a car accident. I used the phone book to call people I know to get a ride home, as my wallet and cellphone were still in the wrecked car. I had called my mom to come get me, but her response was "I don't feel like it." I live with her. FML
Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML
Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML
Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML
Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost three months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML
Today, I got to see my son's dream of being on television come true. Unfortunately, it was because he'd been arrested for trying to rob a bank. FML
Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML
Today, I saw a woman run down my street screaming, "Fuck you cops! I can drive under the influence if I want to!" It took me a second to realize it was my mother. FML
Today, I got fired via text. The last sentence was, "Wish you the best, take care!" FML
Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML
Today, I was taken to my first session with my psychiatrist. The entirety of the facility, from the waiting room to the doc's office was decorated with dead butterflies in glass. I was there for my crippling mottephobia, the irrational fear of moths and butterflies. FML
Today, my dad's work phone went off, and I thought I should go tell him since he's on call. Turns out no matter how you do it, a 47 year old man at one in the morning will think you are a burglar trying to attack him. FML
Today, my sister drove past me while I was walking home in the rain. She honked to let me know she was there, and kept on driving. FML
Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML
Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML
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