gizmo92

Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML

Today, my professor handed me back a paper I spent hours hours working on. At the bottom in red it said "D" followed by, "That was a gift." FML

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML

Not in front of Him

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

My poor baby

Today, a car hit me while I was on a crosswalk. The driver jumped out of her car and stepped over me to check her car for damage. FML

Today, I watched my boss try to stick a magnet to cardboard. FML

Today, my boyfriend sent me a video of him having sex with someone from one of his last relationships because he thought it would turn me on. FML

Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML

Roomies

Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML

Today, I found out the medications my doctor gave me for depression are making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

Today, a man came up to me and punched me in the face. He turned out to be the guy my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with. Apparently, she told him we broke up because I used to beat her. FML

Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

The strangeness of strangers

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

Classy move

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house, just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

Hungover

Today, my husband and I woke up to see my drunk mother passed out on our couch. She was wearing nothing but socks. FML

Tall grass

Today, as I was mowing my neighbor's lawn, I found the Playboy magazine he'd left in his yard. I found it with the mower. I spent the next hour picking up little shards of naked women for no extra pay. FML

Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML

Today, after a long night of drinking and partying, I woke up in my bed next to a beast of a woman. At least I know I made it home safely. FML

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML

Today, as I was smoking a cigarette I realized that it's time to quit. This realization came to me after a particularly violent coughing bout forced not tar out of my lungs, but rather poo out of my bum. FML

Today, I went to sell my wedding rings, due to the fact that I'm getting divorced from a man who cheated on me. The jeweler informed me that the stone in my engagement ring is fake. I won't even be able to cover the divorce costs from the proceeds. FML

Speak to me

Today, I felt so lonely that I left the TV on for company. Then the power went out. FML

Today, I was making pudding and accidentally spilt some on the floor. I had no idea until I slipped in it, throwing the bowl of pudding on my head. My mom promised to take me to the hospital as soon as she got a picture. FML

Good one, thanks

Today, as I was walking home from work, my dad drove past, pulled over, rolled down the window and asked, "Are you tired of walking?" To which I replied "Yes!" Just as I reached for the car door, he yelled "RUN A WHILE" and sped off. FML

Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML

Boozehounds

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML