Dyiashia

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML

Gotcha

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

Today, as I was finishing running a mile, my entire class begun to cheer me on. I felt happy since I don't have many friends. Only when I got closer did I realize that they were cheering for the girl behind me, and in fact, not one person was cheering for me. FML

Today, I went to the dorm showers to use the facilities. As I was getting in the shower, I slipped and landed face first into a puddle. It wasn't water. FML

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML

Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about 15 minutes, saying I needed to be fired because I couldn't get rid of all the flies buzzing around her food. She was the one who chose to eat on our patio. FML

Today, like every day, I woke up at 3 in the morning because my roommate needs "a three hour warning" before his real alarm goes off. His alarm is a constant beeping noise which he always ignores for a good 10 minutes before finally getting up and turning it off. FML

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

Today, three of my dipshit coworkers kept whining all day about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction, how devastating it is, and what it means for their future. As a pacifist, I've never had to struggle so hard to not beat the piss out of people and hurl their broken remains out a window. FML

Sneaky

Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML

Today, my pyromaniac sister somehow got her hands on my dad's lighter and set my bed sheets on fire. My dad said I must have provoked her, and that she can't be blamed for her mental condition. So now I'm grounded, and she has a new doll house to calm her down. FML

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML

Today, my older brother puked in the sound hole of my sister's guitar. He blamed it on me, and in revenge my sister beat me with the guitar. FML

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

Go fund this

Today, I found out the fund-raiser my uncle ran to raise money for his cancer treatment was all a sham, that he doesn't even have cancer, and that the money was to fund a coke habit nobody knew he even had. FML

Great!

Today, I took my class to swimming lessons at the local public pool. One student came out and proudly told me that she'd pooed in the shower, but it was OK because she'd then picked it up and flushed it down the toilet. FML

Bragging rights

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

Kid!

Today, a really drunk couple staggered into the store I work at. One of them yelled at me, "Hey you! Kid! Tell us where the booze is at!" This would have been funny if these people weren't my parents. FML

Today, on my day off, I received a call from my boss asking why I wasn't at work yet. After getting dressed and an hour-long train ride later, I got there only to find out that it was an April Fool's prank. I had to take the train back home. FML

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

Today, my girlfriend asked me to take my belt off as the buckle was hurting her leg. I didn't have a belt on. FML

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

Dude, where's my car?

Today, I found out where my stolen car was. It was all the way in Maine. I live in Ohio and I got a $300 fine for illegal parking. FML

Today, during work hours, I took time off and discreetly went for an interview for a prospective job at our rival company. As soon as I reached the place, I bumped into my current boss. FML

Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML

Today, I ripped my stitches while taking a shit. FML

Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML

Today, a parent of one of the students I teach called me to complain that I was teaching her child "lies" and "fairytales". I was teaching them about the Holocaust. FML