Dyiashia

Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to Snapchat that said "The love of my life." It was a picture of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "The 2nd love of my life." It was a picture of the fuel truck that he drives for work. FML

You never know

Today, I was fired for not asking a senior citizen for proof that he was over 21 and legally allowed to purchase alcohol. When I told my manager he was clearly over 21, he replied, "But what if he WASN'T?" FML

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

Get me out

Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The door locked behind me as I squeezed myself inside to stroke her. After bellowing at my family in the garden for what felt like an eternity, they came through just to laugh and take pictures. FML

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

Today, I went indoor rock climbing. After finally making it to the top, my pants ripped on my last move. I wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

Bad tipper, good shitter

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

Today, I got a call from a really great company that I applied to work for, asking me to come in for an interview. When I went in, they had no appointment scheduled and no idea who I was. It turned out it was all a prank by my brother and his friends. My brother is 30. FML

Today, after being a resident DJ at a local club for over 4 years, I got fired. Not because I'm bad at what I do, but because my boss thinks I'm not 'having fun like the other DJs'. And by 'having fun' he means that I don't drink enough. I got fired for not being an alcoholic. FML

Today, it was the first time a guy has shown any interest in me by calling me pretty. I was so shocked that instead of saying thank you, I hid behind the nearest object and promptly giggle-snorted. FML

Wreckless Eric

Today, I backed into an expensive SUV only minutes after my boss congratulated me for being the only employee to not wreck a company car. FML

Today, my neighbor was having work done in his apartment, and he'd warned me that there might be some noise. Yes, there was, what with all the town's firemen in the building after he'd ruptured the main gas pipe. FML

Indoctrination?

Today, we were discussing evolution at the super-religious school I'm forced to attend. I mentioned homo sapiens, and my teacher mockingly replied, "You actually believe in homo sapiens? Hahahah!" The whole class started laughing. No, not at the teacher; at me. FML

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML

Today, I walked into my boss's office to ask for a raise, and walked out unemployed. FML

Today, my friends made a little game out of my OCD. They like to purposely poke one of my arms so I immediately poke the other one. They think it's hilarious and now do it constantly. FML

Today, I found out my dog's new favorite game to play: "If you don't stop petting me, I'll bite your balls as hard as I can." FML

Today, I got hit on by an attractive young doctor. After talking for a while we realized that we recognized each other but couldn't figure out how. Then he remembered. He was the one who'd delivered my 10 1/2 lb baby 7 months ago. I stood out because my vag tore worse than anything he'd ever seen. FML

Today, I had a call to the rodent rescue I run. They wanted to know if we had any mice for adoption and how much they cost. I told them that we had over 30 mice, and that we don't charge but do take donations. They said, "That's fantastic! I've been struggling to find snake food that isn't frozen!" FML

Today, I had to write my own notice for enforced redundancy because my boss just went on a two week vacation. He told me to just forge his signature and that, if I wouldn't do it, he'd just make something up to dismiss me on codes of conduct. FML

Today, my crackhead neighbour got slightly annoyed at my 2-day-old daughter's late-night wailing. Well, I think so, anyway, as she politely requested us to "SHUT THAT CUNT KID UP." or she would "BLOW BOTH OUR HOUSES UP, YOU FUCKING ASSFUCKS." But I'm not 100% sure. FML

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

Busted

Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

Today, my class was called to the auditorium. We were told that some asshat proctor took a picture of our testing room during out test and posted it on Facebook. Someone noticed that according to the rules, we were sitting too close to each other, so now we have to retake the whole test. FML

Today, I made out with a boy for the first time. I belched into his mouth. FML

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML