Dyiashia

Today, my dad tricked the local biker gang into believing he's actually part of the Russian mob. FML

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML

Today, I tripped while rushing to my classes. In a desperate attempt to regain my balance, I grabbed the nearest thing to me. A fire alarm. FML

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

Today, after a discussion, my boyfriend said, "I think it's time you found somebody better." After I gave him a look, he continued, "For me." FML

Today, I invited a guy I've been crushing on for ages to my house, and I really wanted to make a good impression. We were sitting in the living room having drinks when my cat came in, dragging a pair of my dirty underwear and dropped them right in front of us. FML

Today, my husband told me he doesn't see the point in trying anymore, and that he no longer loves me. I was devastated. He stayed on the couch while I went to bed. Ten minutes later, he said, "Do you mind? I'm trying to sleep." and asked me to shut up. FML

Spray it loud!

Today, I took my 2 year-old to a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

Today, I received a terrible grade for an essay I worked really hard on. I had two friends, one being an English major, check it over. However, apparently I "clearly didn't use spellcheck" on this essay just like the last one I submitted to her. FML

The higher power provides

Today, my roommate and I are so broke, we resorted to going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting just for the refreshments. FML

Today, my husband accidentally erased some pictures from our hard drive. No worries, nothing major: just everything from our wedding and the birth of our first child. FML

The classic argument

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

Today, I read my 10-year-old sister's diary. That's how I found out about her disturbingly detailed plan to murder me, make it look like suicide, date my boyfriend after helping him get over my death, then marry him. FML

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

Today, my prom dress came in the mail. I don't know what happened with the tailoring but not only does it not fit, but it also looks like deli meat. FML

Today, I was walking in the shoes I'm going to wear for a wedding and fell, spraining my ankle. I'm the Matron of Honor and I can barely walk. The wedding is in three days. FML

Today, despite having a stomach bug, I went into work, as my boss is overseas and had warned me not to take any sick leave until she returned. After 4 hours and vomiting twice, I left. She found out and sent me an email bitching me out for coming in sick. FML

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

Today, while serving a customer, she told me: "God made you a working class citizen so you could serve! If God wanted you to go to college, he would have made sure you were able to go!" FML

Today, I missed the spider but succeeded in keying my own car. FML

Today, I sleep during the day because I work nights. My neighbors have a very loud wedding and reception in their backyard including a live mariachi band. FML

Today, I felt pretty. As I deal with a severe anxiety and depression, I was proud of myself. All until a little girl asked: "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML

Take a ticket

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

Today, my dog was knocked unconscious. I had to race him to the vet and pay a small fortune for x-rays and shots. All because he ran into the kitchen at full speed and smashed headfirst into the refrigerator after hearing me open a bag of turkey. FML