cowgirlangle

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

Queasy Lover

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high-pitched voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

Today, I withdrew €40 at the ATM to pay for dinner later tonight. It wasn't until I went to pay for it that I realized I'd taken the receipt, but left the cash in the ATM. FML

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

Today, I told a cashier I always bullshit with that I was getting a new tattoo. She shook her head and said, "Honey, don't get a tattoo. You'll look like a whore." I already have five. FML

Today, my babysitter called to inform me that my grandfather is stalking her. FML

Today, while having sex, I thought I was having an orgasm for the first time. Turns out I was just hyperventilating. FML

Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

Butterfingers

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

Today, I threw up when I woke up, feeling quite ill, I told my mum. She instantly thought I was pregnant. I'm still a virgin and she doesn't believe me. FML