Someplace, Somewhere 26 ans
Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML
Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering, "You want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML
Today, my dad, under threats of disowning me, insisted that I offer my sister a job in my company. I run my own law firm, she is a hairdresser. FML
Today, I broke into tears at work after being told my aunt had a stroke. My boss told me to "suck it up, no one is that close to their aunt." My aunt adopted me when my mother passed away. FML
Today, my girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting to sext. I can't sext with her because she adds "lol" to everything, which turns me off. FML
Today, I found out that, although I have the same job title and complete the same work as my male colleagues, I get paid 15% less, purely because I'm a girl. FML
Today, I watched as my grandma beat the shit out of my dad at the zoo. FML
Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML
Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML
Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML
Today, in the middle of a Spanish oral exam, I started to panic. My teacher suggested that I should say whatever popped into my head. I blurted out, "Heeey Macarena!" FML
Today, a customer left a Starbucks card in the tip jar at work. It was empty. I work at Starbucks. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML
Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML
Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college to visit my family, after my mother had a stroke a few weeks back. She ended up being the only person who remembered to get me anything. She also thinks it's still 2009. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought me some feminine cleansing wipes for my birthday so I could, "get the hoo-ha spick-and-span." FML
Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML
Today, my boss expected me to corroborate her lie to a customer. She changed her story suddenly and I got caught up in the crosshairs. Then she got mad at me for not understanding what just happened. FML
Today, I found out my dad ate my rabbit when I was 6 years-old. He'd told me it ran away. I can't be mad at my dad, he's been dead for 5 years. FML
Today, a model I've been working on for an art competition was declined. They thought I was being insensitive and "rudely glorifying 9/11". My model was about the ending scene of King Kong. I spent twenty hours on that model. FML
Today, after weeks of oral pain and hundreds of dollars in dentistry fees, we found the culprit: a popcorn kernel that floss was unable to remove. FML
Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML
Today, I found out that when buying my $500 dollar dress I put my address as Austria instead of Australia. FML
Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML
Today, my mom found my weed stash and went berserk, grounding me and saying she's going to have my bedroom door removed. Less than an hour later, I found her laughing and smoking the same stash with my dad in the backyard. FML
Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML
Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time." FML
Today, my boyfriend hasn't showered in two weeks. He says he doesn't want his "manliness" to wash off. FML
Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML
Today, I let out a huge fart during a job interview. I was the one conducting the interview. FML
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