naughtyfarmgirl

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

Juicy

Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my roommates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML

Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

Confused?

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

Today, I was sitting in my room while my mom was talking to my uncle. I had my door open. She said, "Yeah my son doesn't know I have his phone password. Girls nowadays are real sluts." FML

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

Parental advice

Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML

Unfair

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year-old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

What a dick

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

Thanks Dave, good one

Today, at work, my mouse cursor kept randomly moving all over the screen, and messed up an entire day's attempted work. As I was leaving, I overheard one of my co-workers saying he'd plugged a wireless mouse adapter into my computer, and had been trolling me all day. FML

Asshats

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

Training day

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

Sorry to disappoint you, but…

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML

Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML

Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML