spencer353

Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML

Today, my 14-year-old daughter told me she's pregnant and plans on dropping out of school to live a life on the road with her boyfriend. FML

Today, while mowing my backyard, I messily discovered that a family of rabbits has been living out there in the tall grass. FML

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

Today, I babysat the Antichrist of all kids. After the 5 long hours were over, his parents came home. Instead of paying me what they agreed, they offered to let me eat some leftovers of a takeout in the fridge. I'm so afraid of confrontation that I accepted. FML

Today, while working security at my job, for the second time, a man with Down's Syndrome entered the store, went to one of the demo computers, opened YouTube, pulled up a video of oiled women wrestling and jerked off. There is no protocol in the handbook for how to deal with this scenario. FML

Today, at my grandmother's funeral, my senile grandfather kept asking me "Where's granny? I've been looking for her, but I can't find her." FML