cr1mson_k1ss

Lookalike

Today, I walked past two guys on the street. I heard one of them whisper, "Jeez, that girl looks like Donald Trump." FML

Classy

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML

Today, my mom added me on Facebook. She wrote on my wall, for the whole world to see, "Why are you swearing on the internet?! You're grounded". FML

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

Today, as I was leaving the office, I heard my very cute coworker behind me say "Hey gorgeous, where are you off to?" I turned around with a smile and said "About to hit up happy hour." He was on the phone with his wife. I'm calling in sick tomorrow. FML

Today, I went to sit on the ground next to my crush at our college's free concert. Just as I took the final step toward him, somone ran into me causing me to trip and kick him in the crotch. He had to go to the emergency room. FML

Today, my girlfriend informed me that she is still in love with the guy she cheated on me with. She admitted that she would be willing to do anything with him if he wanted to. And, "He's a better kisser too." FML

Today, I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML

Romance ain't dead

Today, I got a text from my ex, "I miss you." I was happy to hear this, so I replied, "Really?" I got in return, "Not really, I'm just really horny and thinking of you." FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because 'I look like his hamster when I'm eating sunflower seeds.' FML

Bless

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

Today, I got a perfect score on my French quiz, and I was told to have my mom sign it. What I didn't realize was that all the way at the bottom she wrote "Good Nathaly!" and "I love you!" surrounded by little hearts. The teacher hung it up anyway. FML

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

Cursed

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said, "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

Today, the girl my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with had a job interview at my place of work. If she gets the job, she'll be my manager. FML

Today, I went to Seattle with my mom to visit my pregnant sister, only to end up being dragged to a store to buy maternity clothes. The saleswoman apologized to me repeatedly for not having a lounge for the fathers, but congratulated me on the baby. I'm a girl. FML

Turn off

Today, I was visiting my boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away. After about twenty minutes of glorious sex, he told me in no uncertain terms that he was about to come. He then "baaa"d like a sheep as he came. I couldn't come after that. FML

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

Today, my boyfriend wanted to prove how honest he is so he showed me numerous texts in his phone where he told other women he was in a relationship before asking them to sleep with him. FML

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

Today, my husband and I moved to get closer to his job. Today he got transferred 150 miles away from where we moved to. FML

Skin deep

Today, to spice things up a bit, my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner, so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML

Today, I got a flat tire on the highway. If that wasn't bad enough I had no spare in the car. By the time I got a ride to get a new tire, someone was nice enough to fix my air conditioning for me. They smashed out my window to break in. The doors were not locked. FML

Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML

Today, I found out that my "I don't believe in pre-marital sex" boyfriend is the father of my younger sister's newborn baby. After four years of being in a serious, but sexless, relationship, I am now single, horny, and an aunt. FML

Let it all out

Today, my four year-old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

Nature is healing

Today, I visited my vacation cabin. I've been planning to sell it, and it was in perfect condition when I last visited about 6 months ago. I walked in the door to find the floor covered in muddy pawprints and bloody remainders of meals. It appears some bears moved in during my absence. FML

Today, my roommate who stays out til 4 or 5 in the morning each night got her key to the dorm fixed. I've been having to stay up nightly to let her in (my normal bedtime being 12:00) How'd they fix it? Turns out it was never broken she was just putting the key in the slot wrong. FML