cr1mson_k1ss

Today, I fell down the stairs while reading the 'mind your step' sign. FML

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king size bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

Poker face

Today, I got back from a two-week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my roommate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML

Fear Factor

Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

Creeped out

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

Understanding

Today, after struggling with an eating disorder and hiding my symptoms for months, I got up the courage to tell my mom that I need help. Then she asked if an ice cream would make me feel better. FML

Double standard

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

That'll look good in the morning

Today, my daughter and I went to the carnival and had our faces painted. When we returned home hours later, I realized I have a deep sunburn all around my face, except for the skin under the paint in the shape of a gecko. FML

Today, I was at my sixteenth birthday party. My guests consisted of my grandma who I live with, and my 2-year-old cousin she was babysitting. FML

Today, my date and I went to the movies. After the date, we were both on an instant chat room at our homes. Her personal message displayed "I think I love my ex again." FML

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend wants to move in with me is so he has better internet connection and won't get kicked off of Xbox live while playing MW2. FML

The language of love

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

Today, while trying to give an immunization to a "special" 13-year-old, I got spit on, kicked, almost bitten, and had a chair thrown at me. When it was all over, I flinched when the patient tried to hug me. Her mom called me a "b*tch" and I later found out she wasn't a "special" child. FML

Today, at a restaurant, I was joking around trying to make my friend laugh by pretending to be a ninja. I did this by putting my napkin in front of my face. I happened to look over at another table and saw that a lady wearing a burqa was giving me the most evil glare I have ever seen in my life. FML

So touching…

Today, my boyfriend of five years finally asked me to marry him. He said, "We could save on taxes if we got married… What do you think?" That was the most romantic thing he's said to me in the last two years. FML

Today, I was in the car going to a concert with my family. I was listening to my iPod, when the wheel broke and I couldn't change the song. So for the rest of the trip, I was stuck either listening to my parents arguing, or Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin on repeat. FML

Today, was my uncle's funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to break up with him. After I left his house, I realized that my cell phone had fallen out of my pocket and onto his couch, where I had forgotten it. FML

Today, I was watching TV when a Dentyne gum commercial came on and stated that the average person spends more than 20,000 minutes kissing. I've spent less than three. FML

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying, "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

Today, my boyfriend of a over a year broke up with me. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't written him a long letter about how much I love him, and that I'm so glad we're together and so glad that he promised he would always be there. He'll be getting it in a few days. FML

Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

Today, I went to an audition for a play. The casting director thanked me for my time, but told me they would pass because I had "the emotional range of a turnip." FML

Today, I was taking the subway to school. I was applying some makeup when I noticed a little boy watching me. When I was finished I heard him whisper to his mom, "I thought make up was supposed to make you pretty." FML

Partied out

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML