aireeahna

Today, my daughter admitted to me that the only reason she's nice to me is because I give her money. She's six. FML

Stealth

Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML

Today, I overheard my son mutter to himself, "If Hitler could do it to that many people, so could I..." Anyone recommend a good psychiatrist? FML

Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

Get on with it

Today, I told my boss I'm going to quit, after months of being abused, doing meaningless work, and working late every day. I was soon given so many new projects that I didn't even have time to write my resignation letter. FML

Today, I realized I need a new job. This happened when I was seriously considering ways to break my leg so I could stay at home for a day and not have to deal with my boss. FML

Today, while at work, I was shown CCTV footage of myself staring at the chest belonging to a teenager I was serving. I was accused of being a paedophile and nearly fired, all because I wanted to know what version of Spider-Man was on her T-shirt. FML

Today, my loving fiancé informed me that my new perfume makes me smell like a urinal cake. FML

Today, I left my desk to go to the bathroom. I arrived back at my desk to a large package of SlimQuick packets. Guess my coworkers think I need to lose weight. FML

Whatever floats your boat

Today, I went on a first date. I didn't know that licking my neck was on the agenda. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. I was laying in between his legs because it's just more comfortable. I looked down, and he had pieces of toilet paper sticking out of his butt cheeks. FML

Today, my sweet tooth went to a whole different level when I took a swig out of a bottle of maple syrup. FML

Today, I looked at my twelve-year-old daughter's test. One of the question was, "When is a good time to worry about your parents?" Her answer was, "When they take selfies, because selfies aren't made for old people." FML

Make up to…

Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML

Today, I overheard my dad telling his friends that the only way I'll ever sleep with a woman is with the help of Rohypnol. FML

Today, my boyfriend gushed for several minutes about how amazing it is that I suddenly look hot when he takes his glasses off. FML

Today, I managed to convince my sister that when you press down the diet button on the lid of a McDonald's cup it turns whatever is in there diet. I pressed the button and she started shouting how she hates diet drinks. She's 19. FML

Today, my phone died while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. When I finally got a charger, I saw a text message from her. I'm now single. FML

Heads up

Today, I learned that the blisters that popped up this morning on my hands and feet are a result of a virus that takes two weeks to fully heal. After I told my roommates to be careful, one of them decided that NOW was a good time to tell us she had it last week. FML

Today, my boyfriend kept jiggling my fat rolls while we were cuddling. I was annoyed, and I told him he could at least go for my boobs instead. He instantly replied, "But these are bigger..." FML

Today, I spent over $2,000 on a big flatscreen TV. My dad insisted I let him mount it on the wall instead of paying someone to do it. All seemed fine, until the TV came loose and smashed onto the floor. My dad refuses to accept responsibility, and says I should've had a professional install it instead. FML

Today, my neighbor's five-year-old rode his tricycle into a history diorama I had spent days slaving over. When I confronted him, he just said, "Vroom vroom muthafucka." FML

Today, I got demonic gastric distress while taking my final college exam. I only got about 50% of it done, left the classroom 50% faster, and experienced both 50% dread and 50% relief. Now I have to repeat 50% of the class. FML

Wrong way round

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML

Today, I got a new roommate. I thought he was pretty cool until he mentioned how everything around us was a conspiracy. Then he asked if I knew how to make a bomb. FML

Today, I finally found out why my husband is always so eager and happy to buy me whatever I am craving during my pregnancy. It's because it gives him an excuse to meet up with his mistress and have a quickie. FML

Today, my boyfriend endearingly told me that he's been taking advantage of my inability to smell due to a head cold, and he's been farting around me whenever he pleases. FML

Today, I was getting everything ready for mine and my husband's first wedding anniversary. Flowers, check. Crisp new bed sheets, check. Silk underwear, check. Crippling cramps and an early period, check. FML

Today, I was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah. After he finished his long-winded speech, I sarcastically did the mockingjay sign from the Hunger Games. It took a couple of seconds before I realized how that looked, and a couple more for me to be shouted down and kicked out. FML

Today, I swapped out my maternity gown for a regular old t-shirt. My visiting mother-in-law called me a fatass and said I need to lose weight. I'd given birth just 40 hours earlier. FML