EMTchic

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML

Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

Today, my apartment was robbed by my landlord. Her logic? "I own the building, and therefore everything in it." That TV cost more than my rent. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

Lonely

Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML

Charming

Today, I realised that my boyfriend calls me "bitch" more often than he calls me by my actual name. FML

Today, I found out that the only reason why I haven't had a relationship last for more than a week the past 4 years is because of my stalker ex-girlfriend, who has been keeping other women out of my life by making up horrible stories about me. She broke up with me 5 years ago. FML

Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

My eyes!

Today, I learned that when you hear a bump in the night, it's best not to check your parents' room. Some things cannot be unseen. FML

Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML

Today, what I thought would be a romantic sleepover with the guy I like quickly turned into hell on earth when his girlfriend showed up. I had to scale the fire escape in my underwear so I could get back to my car in one piece. FML

Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

Today, I posted a Facebook status on how I hated the new Batman movie. I'm now single, and have received multiple threats. FML

Today, I found one of my mom's old diaries that dated back to my infant days. I couldn't help but read a little. I'm now in great concern over how many times my mom wrote that she wanted to dunk me in the toilet or throw me against a wall. FML

Today, as I was cashing a customer out, he stopped me in the middle of the transaction just to tell me that the condoms he was buying are too big for him. FML

Alarm

Today, my dog farted so loud in his sleep that he scared himself and woke up barking. This afternoon I achieved the same feat. FML

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

Is everything OK?

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shouted back in unison: "We're fucking! Go away!" FML

Ally

Today, I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, who is going out with someone else now. At least I now know that he's gay. FML

Today, I sliced my arm open on the weekend, patched it with a fabric bandaid. Had an allergic reaction to the bandaid, arm now swollen, blistering and keeping-me-awake itchy. Pharmacist's advice? "Oooh, that looks bad. Better put a bandaid on that." FML

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who I am still in love with, sent me a text message that said, "I miss you, baby." It turns out my name comes right after his girlfriend's name on his contact list. FML

Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML

Poor Raymond

Today, I got this huge package at my college dorm from my parents with candy, chips, canned soup and all these goodies. When I called my mom to thank her, she replied, "We got rid of your cat, Annie". FML

Pure class

Today, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me via text message. He spelled my name wrong. FML

Today, I asked my dad if he could fix my bed. It had been squeaking for some time. He shook his head no. He then continued with, "Your bed is a security system, and as far as I can tell, you haven't gotten any in weeks." FML