KMissouri

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

Today, I got threatened with a gun through the drive thru speaker because I didn't offer some guy any pies to go with his meal. FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

Today, I had a terrible nightmare involving zombies slashing and eating at my face. I woke up in terror and urine, and found the slashing was very real: it was my cat pawing my face for me to feed him. FML

It's getting hot in here…

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

Nothing better to do

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided that he didn't need a real job. He wants to sell pot for a living. Or hang drywall. He can't decide. FML

Today, I found out the bed I sleep in is the bed I was conceived in. FML

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML

Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML

Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML

Today, I found out who my randomly assigned roommate was. Out of 10,000+ people, I just happen to get assigned a girl who threatened to kill me. FML

Today, I am on vacation in the Smoky Mountains with my parents. They just decided to take me to the place I was conceived seventeen years ago: a bench at a public park. FML

Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML

Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

Great story, tell it again!

Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML

Drunken antics

Today, I drove my drunk sister home after a wild night of partying. She did not go to bed as I expected; instead, she laid in the bathtub and cried every time I left her. Now it's 3AM, and she's using her bra as a lasso for various objects in the room. The best part is I work in 4 hours. FML

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

Today, my mom took me to dinner. She told me about an argument that she and her boyfriend had, and she showed me the texts. While reading, I learned that she smells his dick before sucking it. FML

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML

Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML

Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML