2an1a

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

Weaponised chocolate

Today, I was doing photography, and decided to climb onto the roof of a building to photograph the city. I dropped a square of chocolate over the edge just to appreciate the height. Apparently, somebody saw me. I was arrested and am now being charged for trespassing and firing missiles. FML

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

That helped

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

Forwarded

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

Today, I went to school in my brand new shirt. It was loose fitting and a bit thin, so I wore a sweatshirt on top, intending to take it in once inside. When I got to my seat, I took off my sweatshirt, but also took off my shirt with it, flashing my whole class. FML

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

Go broke, go woke

Today, I went on a date with my new boyfriend. When the check came, he asked, "Do you accept food stamps?" When the waiter said no, he checked in his wallet and said, "Well all I have is five dollars." I ended up picking up the $20 tab. FML

Today, I was in the middle of enjoying a really good book while in a waiting room. Someone saw what I was reading and thought it would be cool if she leaned over and told me everything that happens. FML

Today, I woke up after a dream where I got it good from none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. The problem? I'm a guy, and straight. Apparently my subconscious has a fetish for old Austrian bodybuilders. FML

Today, my boyfriend of two years called me on Skype while he was taking a crap. Think it's a sign that maybe we've been dating for too long. FML

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

Gassy

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML

Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML

Today, I helped a man with a neck brace get on the bus. I fell asleep, only to wake up later on to him gratuitously stroking my breasts with his elbow. FML

Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML

Today, I saw Saw IV with my boyfriend. He held me close and said, "I'll protect you." A few seconds later, he jumped up so violently, he gave me a bloody nose, and ran screaming out of the room. FML

Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML

Today, as I was walking home, I passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me. I dodged every single one, ran away laughing, and gave them the finger. I then ran into a snowman. FML

Today, I was getting a flight home. I'd worn a belt because my skirt was too big. When I walked through security, they asked me to remove my belt. My skirt fell down in front of everyone. FML

Just a prank, bro

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw while wearing hockey masks. FML

TW: Gross

Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML