superc89

Today, I was in the car with my friends. A techno song came on and we started fist-pumping. We hit a bump, I fist-pumped myself in the face, and crashed into a stop sign. FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML

Today, my car got a wheel lock because I had 5 tickets. Three of those tickets dated back to 2006. I got my car and license in 2008. FML

Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML

Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years spent a whole hour making me promise that if he ever died, I would never try to find someone else. FML

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't answer his phone last night. He was hanging out with our mutual friend all night. She had been texting me all night about what great sex she was having. My boyfriend was the only person there besides her brother. FML

Today, I realized after sending out countless copies of my resume to companies, I failed to add my phone number on it. FML

Today, a guy I'd been seeing off and on for the past three years broke things off over a Facebook message. I replied, and told him that I was at least worth a phone call. He replied "Well, I'm sorry, I disagree." FML

Today, I realized that I can still do the splits. Why? Because I fell down an entire flight of stairs, everyone in the hall saw me land and applauded. Someone even shouted "and she sticks the landing." FML