Today, I heard that one of our customers had passed away. Saddened, I told everyone who came into our shop about his death. Understandably, some customers got very upset and one even fainted. Suddenly, the "dead" man walked into the shop. Turns out I got the name wrong. FML
Today, I was at a band concert with 500 other people. The song they were performing stopped, and I loved it so much I stood up and clapped. Everyone stared, while I slowly realized the song wasn't over. FML
Today, I found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that I was mentally handicapped. All this time I wasn't sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me. Now they won't believe me when I tell them I'm a 4.0 GPA student. FML
Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML
Today, I subbed for a first grade class. They were releasing butterflies. Butterflies scare me shitless. A bunch of 7 year-olds watched as I screamed hysterically when one landed on me. FML
Today, I was on my way home on my bike when a lady in a 4WD cut me off while beeping her horn and calling me a "stupid f**ker who should get a proper education." In her car, she was smoking, and her three children weren't wearing seat belts. FML
Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML
Today, I discovered that not only is my live-in mother-in-law a fan of Lady Gaga, she dances around the house naked to fully embrace the music. FML
Today, I had to call AAA because not only did I lock my keys in the car, I also locked in my toddlers. FML
Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said, "See you in Kansas." FML
Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML
Today, I got attacked by my own dog. I don't know what will be harder, telling everyone how my dog thought I was a robber or explaining to them why a 25 year old man owns a poodle. FML
Today, my teacher told me I wasn't pretty enough to play the princess part in the play. FML
Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML
Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML
Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML
Today, my wife and I were planning our nursery for our future child. She said that we'd be painting it pink either way. I asked what would happen if we had a boy. She said "Oh, he'll be gay" with a menacing glare. I'm worried. FML
Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML
Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML
Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML
Today, I went on a date with a woman. She brought along her stuffed rabbit, and introduced us. FML
Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow broke as I was laughing. The springs locked, and I couldn't close my mouth. The orthodontist couldn't see me for two hours, leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath. FML
Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML
Today, I woke my husband up at 2 a.m., screaming that there was a badger in our bedroom. We both screamed for a bit until he finally said, "What are we screaming about!?" I took a second look at the badger, and realized it was my four-year-old daughter with her blanket. FML
Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML
Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML
Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why being with a girl while being with me is cheating. FML
Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were "bored". FML
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