Monsieur North Laurderdale, USA Célibataire
Today, I told my five year-old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML
Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML
Today, my back hurt really badly, so I decided to stay in bed. After a while, I sat up to shut the door. When I leaned over to reach it, I fell off my bed and face-planted the floor. After picking myself up and getting comfortable in my bed again, I realized the door was still open. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML
Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML
Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML
Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML
Today, I finally went to the bathroom after being constipated for two days. The good news? I lost two pounds. The bad news? The toilet won't flush. FML
Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML
Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML
Today, I finally found out who has been sending me hate letters, it's my husband's ex-wife. They've been divorced for 7 years. FML
Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML
Today, I learned how to wolf-whistle properly, and then learned what it feels like to be slapped on the head. FML
Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML
Today, my five year old niece decided to wake me up by shoving blasting earphones in my ears. Five hours later I can still hear Justin Bieber shrieking "Baby". FML
Today, I got mugged. As the guys who took my purse were about to walk away, my cellphone rang in my pocket. FML
Today, I was babysitting my cousin when I realized my aunt didn't tell me where the diapers were. I searched the entire house, but I had no luck. Then my cousin ripped off the diaper she was wearing and peed on the kitchen floor. FML
Today, my neighbor passed away, and my father and I went to give his wife our condolences. In the middle of my dad's conversation with the wife, he says "I'm sorry for your loss, I knew Jim well, he was a great guy." The wife stares at him and says, "His name was Rich." FML
Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML
Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML
Today, I found out that when my room-mate agreed to babysit someone's two year old kid for money, what he really planned on doing was dumping it with me. The kid won't stop crying and screaming. FML
Today, my mother won't give me any painkillers for my migraine. She believes that "When medicine goes into your stomach, the acids stop the medicine from working" and that "It's all in people's heads when medicine works". FML
Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML
Today, after ordering pizza, I heard some strange noises coming from my basement so I called the cops. The pizza came fifteen minutes before the cops. FML
Today, a man next to me was feeding the birds when he ran out of food. We were at Adventure Island and there were "Do not feed the birds" signs everywhere. The birds then became aggressive and started savaging the both of us. FML
Today, my mom insisted on putting sunscreen on me. I closed my eyes and shut my mouth while she rubbed some on my face. Halfway through, I burped. I opened my mouth just in time to get a large glob of sunscreen in it. FML
Today, my daughter spent three hours crying and having a temper tantrum over being forced to have a bath after four days without one. My daughter is 16. FML
Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML
Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML
Today, when my boyfriend said it was time to play with his baby, I figured he was talking about me. He meant his Xbox. FML
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