SkyBlueCloud

Today, my husband actually tried to pay me to forget about the affair that he's been having. FML

Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

Today, the girl I've been dating dumped me after she found out I'm originally from Alabama. Apparently she doesn't want to date someone from a "foreign country". We both live in Michigan. FML

Confused

Today, a would-be customer practically kicked my store door in, then got pissed and started throwing around insults after I told him that we were still closed, hence the closed sign. He claimed the sign was "confusing". FML

Today, my grandma reduced me to a sobbing wreck in two short sentences, just to win a bet against my mum. FML

Too late

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

Today, while I was working out, I was listening to music with my earbuds in. The Pokémon theme started playing and I begun singing along. It wasn't too long after that I remembered I was in a crowded gym on a military base. FML

Today, my family got together for a big game of paintball. My grandpa wanted to play too, but I told him he was a bit too old for such a rough sport. He joined anyway, and spent the whole 2 hours hunting my dumb ass down. I'm now in constant pain after being riddled with paintballs. FML

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

Caught

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

Big whoops

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

Today, my sister introduced our parents to her new boyfriend. He's my boyfriend, and he told me he was going to be out of state for a few weeks on business. FML

Today, my boyfriend's ex moved into the apartment beneath us. She's already called the cops on us for a noise complaint twice. We were sleeping. It's going to be a long year. FML

Today, while taking an order over the phone for the customer at work, I began to hear slight moans. The moans gradually became faster and louder, until climax was achieved and I realized I was being used for phone sex. FML

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

Today, while shopping for clothes, I asked the assistant to recommend something for me. She took me to the maternity section. Thanks, but I'm not pregnant. FML

Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML

Today, I let my sister hold my newborn daughter for the first time. I heard her mutter under her breath, "I could kill you so easily..." FML

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I "jack off real weird." FML

To each his own

Today, my boyfriend took me home for the first time. His place was covered in Insane Clown Posse stuff, even the toilet bowl. He's an undercover Juggalo. FML

Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

Sitcom vibes

Today, I went with my boyfriend to meet his parents. I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and I ended up taking a huge crap that wouldn't flush. I had to reach in and break it up with my hands just so it would flush. Only after I washed up did I notice a plunger sitting under the sink. FML

Today, my mom baked a cake for the whole family. One spent EpiPen later, I found out there were nuts in it, which I'm severely allergic to. My mom's defense was that she thought I'd have "gotten over" my allergy by now. FML

Today, while on a family Disney World vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

Vessels

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said, "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank space: "Less often." FML

Today, I was jogging on my farm when I discovered a cave. Unfortunately for me, I discovered said cave by tripping and falling into it where there was still a 10ft drop to the bottom. FML